What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Have a little stretch maybe, check to see how many people have liked that picture of some wisteria that you posted on Instagram just before bed, get up and make a cup of tea – all totally normal things to do, but all things we take for granted.
Generally I would say that I’m a very optimistic, motivated kind of person. You have to be I think to run your own business – you need to be on the ball and prepared to manage your time well, to keep yourself going no matter what. But there have also been periods in my life when I’ve not felt so great.
About three years ago I went through a particularly difficult time. I’d had a relationship break down, work was very busy and I had just moved house, to a new town. I started experiencing horrible anxiety, which I’d never had before. I’ve had short periods of being depressed, but the anxiety was new and I did NOT like it. For several months even doing the most basic of things felt really scary.
I would wake up every morning really early – at about 5am – and immediately feel terrified. I didn’t really know what OF, but I could feel the adrenaline pumping and over and over in my head I was saying ‘I don’t know what to do, how will I cope? I can’t cope.’ I’m sure this is more common for a lot of people than we like to believe, but I think the fact that it was so out of character for me made it worse – I had no coping mechanisms and no idea of what to do to make myself feel better, or even if I ever WOULD feel better.
I remember one morning lying in bed, crying, thinking I would go downstairs to make a cup of tea. That’s a simple enough thing to do isn’t it? Except it wasn’t. I managed to get to the kitchen and switch on the kettle, but I couldn’t stop crying and just couldn’t see how I would be able to make the cup of tea without something terrible happening. Because something terrible WAS going to happen, I was sure. Looking back I can’t even quite describe it – it seems such a simple thing not to be able to do – and yet I just couldn’t. I went back upstairs, still crying. I couldn’t even make a cup of tea. What was I going to do? How would I ever be able to work?
Just BEING felt overwhelming. View Post