A short rant about this list of things every woman should do before she dies

I was doing a bit of research this week for a new list.

As you may know, back in 2013 (GAH!) I made a list of 40 things I wanted to do before I turned 40, an event which has rather crept up on me and appears to be happening THIS APRIL.

I’ll be writing more about that at some point, but in the meantime I have started thinking about my next list – 50 things to do before 50. Obviously it will include things like ‘stagger about a bit at the fact that I am in my 40s’, but I also want it to have some fun and unusual things on it, so I was doing some Googling.

I happened upon this list from American Cosmopolitan, (which I should have realised was a bad sign), of ‘50 things every woman should do before she dies.’

Given the publication, I guess I should have expected things like ‘learn to give the perfect blow job at the same time as achieving the dream thigh gap with this one miracle exercise’, but it still made me cross.

Here are some of the things that American Cosmopolitan thinks we should aspire to, some KEY LIFE GOALS for women:

  • Put a streak in your hair, or dye all of it
  • Learn to make one full meal
  • Eat dessert for breakfast
  • Eat a huge piece of cake (or candy bar or ice cream cone or whatever your favourite dessert is) and feel wonderful about it
  • Make a whole cake for no reason other than to sit there and attack it with forks alone/with your roommate/boyfriend
  • Just completely lose it at customer service when they’re being dicks  
  • Spend an entire day eating nothing but crap
  • Speak in public

krispy kreme

Well, I think already we are feeling EMPOWERED aren’t we ladies??

Eat some crap, make someone feel shit about themselves – all such positive stuff! I don’t know about you, but I feel like if only I can learn to make ONE FULL MEAL before I die, or actually SPEAK OUT LOUD IN PUBLIC, then I will consider my life a success!

Sweet Jesus.

And then of course we have all the really emotionally healthy relationship stuff, which falls under three key points:

  • Have sex with someone who is totally wrong for you but is just hot as all fuck
  • Date someone who is totally wrong for you
  • Go through a slutty stage

Apparently ‘a great time to do this [the slutty stage] is after you dump someone who treated you like garbage.’ Why yes, because what better way to get over being treated like garbage than to TREAT YOURSELF LIKE GARBAGE.

Fortunately at number 39 they have ‘See a therapist’. 

Fuck me. You’re going to need it.

Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash

If you liked this post you might also like this rant about the hairdresser where everything is £11, this rant about the man online who called me a liar, or this one about car air fresheners.



  1. Sandy
    17 January, 2018 / 2:47 pm

    Too funny! I got distracted tho when I saw the donut box … can’t lie… luv your stories!

    • Jo Middleton
      17 January, 2018 / 4:47 pm

      Haha! Are you off now to bake an entire cake to eat by yourself Sandy? ;-)

  2. 17 January, 2018 / 6:33 pm

    Hilarious. I read the first three and thought “well fuck me, I’ve ticked all those off today already!” Slow hand clap Cosmo, you really know how to make women feel good!

    • Jo Middleton
      18 January, 2018 / 6:46 pm

      Aim high ladies, aim high…

  3. ElizM
    17 January, 2018 / 10:27 pm

    With all that (not) to aspire to, what time is there left for dignity, self-esteem or respect! Outrageous! Besides…didn’t we do most of that in our teens anyway? Obviously, learning to make a meal and speak in public happened pre-teens, but you know what I mean…

    • Jo Middleton
      18 January, 2018 / 6:46 pm

      Well quite, it would be better as a ‘list of things to do before you’re 19 and know any better’.

  4. Wayne Newton
    18 January, 2018 / 2:33 am

    An alternative list to take you to the BIG 40

    – skinny dip in the Indian Ocean
    – scuba dive with sharks while the painters are in
    – do a stand up gig in drag
    – invite the man of your dreams out on a date then kiss the face off him BUT no matter what, only smooching- –
    – immerse yourself in lemurs
    – dress up as a cat and crawl through a dog show on all 4s
    – challenge Bez from The Mondays to a dance off….and win
    – drink vintage champagne from the inner thigh of your best fenale friend while live streaming
    – invite the CEOs of 3 of your best clients round for dinner and cook a souffle
    – collaborate with a mate and do a 5 course “pop up” resto at your house
    – attend a swinger’s party dressed as an aloof pi-bald pony looking for a stable mate
    – trek to Machu Picchu then make love to a stranger in the ruins
    – learn to play a musical instrument until yo’re good enough to busk and earn £100 for charity
    – auction a kiss on ebay
    – drive a sports car and reach 120MPH
    – fight in a white collar boxing match…. against a midget
    – eat an entire Blackforest Gateaux in 1 sitting
    – give a talk to the WI about Jam (The Jam)
    – ride in a rodeo
    – hire a body artists to paint a superhero outfit on your naked person and then take the cat for a walk
    – run the Pamplona bulls wearing a red dress
    – blag the balcony room during the Palio di Siena and a bottle of fine Chianti

    • Jo Middleton
      18 January, 2018 / 6:47 pm

      Hahaha! These made me laugh a lot! Which do you think I should do first??

      • Wayne Newton
        18 January, 2018 / 8:26 pm

        Bit nippy at the mo,,,,and some are seasonal….so that whittles the list down a tad.
        Bez may be looking for his next project and if you could pick him up in a 911 then celebrate with the champers?

    • Liv
      19 January, 2018 / 11:14 am

      YES! This list has aspiration!

  5. 18 January, 2018 / 2:50 pm

    “Eat dessert for breakfast” :D

    • Jo Middleton
      18 January, 2018 / 6:44 pm

      I mean, that’s basically my life every day. Hardly ambitious.

  6. 18 January, 2018 / 11:39 pm

    This is so so worrying if this is not a joke? It must be – surely? What is the world coming too? Although, dessert for breakfast does sound good! x

    • Wayne Newton
      21 January, 2018 / 3:13 pm

      Are these things ever “serious”? Really?

  7. Vicki
    19 January, 2018 / 8:47 pm

    I went out for lunch with friends & they were all being conscientious and weight watching. 1 course only ladies! So my course was chocolate fudge cake & ice cream. I’m sure they enjoyed their leafy green salad. If my mum counts as, customer service,’ then I’m pretty sure I did the first, non slut, part of the list by the time I was 8….

  8. Marcus Ward
    31 January, 2018 / 5:27 pm

    ….and don’t forget to stock up that fridge with beer ladies, so there’s always a cold one waiting for your dear hard-working husband.

  9. 10 April, 2018 / 4:47 pm

    When I was s student I read an article in Cosmo advising that when you go on a date you should eat beforehand so you can just pick at your meal and not look too greedy in front of them. Surprising I know but I haven’t read it again since that sage advice.

    • Jo Middleton
      11 April, 2018 / 11:30 am

      WOW! Yeah, you don’t want to give the impression that you need to eat to survive or anything. How bizarre! Best a date knows straight up that I’m a greedy piggy :-)

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.