It would be fair to say it has been a pretty turbulent few months for me.
A break up, the subsequent move to a new town, new schools – it’s been more, quite frankly, than it appears I am able to cope with. My new therapist calls it ‘needing to build up my internal resources’, which I think essentially means that I am a bit feeble and not very good at stopping crying once I start. The therapy is perhaps another blog post.
Over the last couple of weeks though I have reached the point where I simply have to stop crying, or I will turn into a shrivelled prune of a woman, and so I have been forced to evaluate my life a little, implement some changes and think about moving on.
Part of this plan is the new therapist (plenty of scope here for amusing anecdotes in the future I feel sure) and part of it has been work related. I have come to the conclusion that after five years of self-employment, long hours, relentless tweeting and sponsored holidays, that I need a rest.
‘First world problems!’ you might well yell at the screen. ‘Poor you having to tweet from your free holiday!’ And fair enough, I’m not saying I’m not incredibly privileged and haven’t had some great blog related opportunities over the last few years, but sometimes you do need to switch off for a little while, even if that means you are just at home on your own with an Inspector Morse book.
I’m hoping that a break will give me the chance to really think about how I want to move forward and to appreciate the things I love about work, rather than simply feeling overwhelmed. I want to reconnect too with my blog and make it more personal. Lucky you.
The other thing then is men.
Truth be told, as much as I tout the gin-swilling, independent single mummy status, I actually quite like being in a relationship. I like knowing that someone else is thinking about me and having someone to think about, I like having someone to tell stuff about my day to, I like seeing a news story or funny thing in a shop and thinking ‘Ooh, so and so would like that’ and telling them about it. And damn it, I like someone bringing me a cup of tea in bed. That’s not much to ask is it?
So, tonight I have a date. My first date in nearly four years.
It’s something I am making myself do, regardless of whether or not I feel totally ready, to just get myself back out there, meeting new people. I don’t have to marry anyone or anything, it’s just a drink, and I’m certainly not anticipating anyone bringing me that cup of tea any time soon. If nothing else though it is a reason to tame my neglected eyebrows, which have become distinctly professorial of late.
I know it is going to feel strange and possibly sad, but I can’t just sit and wait for something that is never going to happen, I have to make myself look to the future instead, however unsettling it may feel. And if nothing else, it might give me something hilarious to write about tomorrow.
Wish me luck!