On Boxing Day I went out to the retail park a mile or so down the road from me to exchange some Christmas presents at Next. It made me quite sad, and not just because it was raining so heavily that my fur coat ended up looking like a cat that had fallen into a bath. (That bit was my fault for not dressing more sensibly).

Retail parks are just so soulless, so lacking in any sort of character or hope or joy. The name gets your hopes up falsely too. Retail park. You go there feeling positive, and then there’s not even any swings or slides or things to climb on, (other than parked cars), and no rolling green hills or nature trails. It’s all just a big trick.

It was about 3.30pm by the time we went to Next, and inside the shop was just as depressing, with half empty rails of unwanted clothes and stickers on the floor showing people where to stand to wait for hours to hand over their cash. At least by late afternoon it was quiet – in the morning the store had been operating a ‘one in one out’ system, so desperate were people to get out of the house and scramble about between the racks of odd-shaped jeans, available only in sizes 6 or 20.

Retail parks make me imagine conversations like this:

Mummy: So darling, what do you want to do when you grow up?

Small girl with pigtails: Well Mummy, I want to work the majority of my working hours in a job that I find tedious at best, and then in my free time I’m going to go to a vast expanse of concrete on the outskirts of town and give all the money I earn to large corporations who already have more than they need, in return for some disposable crap I don’t want.

Mummy (fixed smile and empty eyes): Well that sounds lovely sweetheart.

Small girl with pigtails (small silent tear running down cheek): I’m going to be just like you Mummy.

Now I could well be reading too much into this – I do have a tendency to overdramatise – but I can’t help it. Surrounded by blank faced parents, staring at the piles of cheap TVs, wondering which to buy to sit their bored looking children in front of, I can’t help but want to throw myself onto the nearest cut-price blender.

Am I over reacting? How do retail parks make you feel?

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As much as I love Christmas, once the day itself is over I usually have a massive urge to pack everything away and start jogging. Obviously I don’t start jogging, but the thought is there.

I spend so long getting excited in the run up to Christmas that all my festivity is used up by Boxing Day, and I just want to get back to work. It’s a bloody good job really, as a lot of my work hours during December were spent buying presents and meeting friends for mince pies.

Such is my excessive love of all things Christmas, that it will be some weeks before we can plough our way through the piles of chocolates, biscuits and stilton, so while I’m still knee-deep in peppermint creams, waiting for netball to start up again, the only alternative is to get some exercise. Here then are three ideas for gentle sports to help you get rid of some of that stollen that has settled so unflatteringly on your hips:

Go for a walk
So simple, yet so effective. Walking not only keeps you fit, it’s also a great way to clear your mind, relax and get motivated. We’re not talking a stroll around the Debenhams sale mind – you need to put a bit of effort in. Layer up in all your wooly Christmas gifts and get yourself out on a hill somewhere for a bracing hike. Crank things up a notch by getting yourself a pedometer in the sales and challenging yourself to reach 10,000 steps every day.

Have a swim
In loads of places across the UK, people celebrate Christmas with a spot of sea swimming. This, in my opinion, is madness. It’s cold in the sea in December don’t you know? Instead, I’d recommend a nice warm indoor pool, where you can have a cup of tea afterwards. And maybe a mince pie. Swimming is brilliant all around exercise, working loads of different muscle groups at the same time as supporting your body weight.

Ride a horse
A little more decadent this one, but haven’t you always fancied yourself on horseback, galloping daringly across the countryside, thick dark hair billowing behind you? No? Just me then. If you’re not a natural horseman (me again there) then think of it not just as good exercise, but also as an opportunity to tick off that ‘try something new’ resolution. Plus it’s a great excuse to pick up a pair of sexy leather boots from equestrian clearance. I’m sure I’m going to look great on my horse. Who doesn’t want to see a chubby woman bouncing around in Jodhpurs?

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If only I lived in 1912.

“This could have been you,” laughed Boyfriend this morning, reading the news on his phone, “you’ve got a massive bottom.”

He was reading a story in the Daily Mail about Elsie Scheel, the 24-year-old who in 1912 was officially declared ‘the most nearly perfect physical specimen of womanhood.’

Pear-shaped Elsie, who believed that other girls her age did ‘too much of the wrong sort of things, too many dances and not enough bracing tramps’, measured 35-30-40. She was a little taller and heavier than me, but proportions wise, it didn’t sound too far off. I do have a big bottom.

“I’m going to get the tape measure,” I said.

And what do you know, those are my exact measurements. Good childbearing hips and all that.

Elsie put her good health down to ‘common sense’ and ‘sane living. I have eaten only what I wanted and when I wanted it.’

A fine motto indeed.

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This afternoon I have spent about two hours wrapping Christmas presents. I don’t dislike it, but if you’ve got lots of presents to wrap, it can get a little bit boring. So how do you make wrapping presents more fun, at the same time as making your gifts look beautiful and thoughtful?

Here are my favourite five Christmas wrapping tips*

Eat a biscuit and have a nice cup of tea
Having a snack and a warm drink to hand makes the whole thing a lot more fun. This afternoon I went for a tin of Fabulously Fox’s. If you’re wrapping in the evening, sherry is an acceptable alternative. (The evening officially starts at about 4pm in the winter. Fact.)

Have all your equipment to hand before you start
This year I have bought one of those cool tape dispensers that you wear on your hand. The refills cost a small fortune but it’s worth it. No more tapey teeth for me.

If in doubt, buy more ribbons
This is my motto. I have a whole box full of Christmas ribbons. I very rarely actually use them, but they are lovely to look at, and make me feel like a present wrapping professional.

"Christmas ribbons"

Personalise your gift wrap
Everyone knows that getting the kids to potato print holly leaves onto brown paper is the wholesome way to do it, but if you don’t really like crafts (like me) then buying some personalised gift wrap is the way to go.

Christmas present roulette
If you really want to make things more interesting, don’t write tags. Muddle all the presents up under the tree and just let your friends and family take pot luck.

Happy Christmas!

*These tips apply equally well to birthdays. I am nothing if not versatile.

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FIVE MORE SLEEPS!!

Can you believe it? Only five more sleeps until Father Christmas comes!

It is very exciting.

I get so excited about Christmas, that I’ve actually bought most of my presents by the beginning of December, but just in case you’re not quite as thrilled by the prospect of Christmas shopping as me, (I’m looking mainly at the men in the audience here), I’ve got some ideas for things that your wife/girlfriend will definitely want for Christmas.

Gin
I wouldn’t be Slummy single mummy if I didn’t suggest a nice bottle of gin would I? Go for something really glam looking and make sure you wrap it up nicely – no copping out with a wine bag or anything. Girls love a bit of fancy wrapping. This pink gin from Harvey Nichols is rather beautiful:

"pink gin"

“Eccentric, irreverent and innovative” apparently. The gin’s not bad either.

Underwear
Every woman likes to made to feel special at Christmas, so you can’t go wrong with some lovely underwear. Think sexy and glam without the porn star edge. A wonderbra from figleaves.com would be perfect. Hello boys…

Chocolate
It feels unoriginal, but what girl doesn’t love chocolate? Seriously, there isn’t anyone. Pink gin, a great cleavage, a box of liqueur chocolates – surely that’s anyone’s recipe for a very merry Christmas?

"Liqueur chocolates"

I have actually bought myself a box of these very chocolates and given them to Belle to wrap up for me. That’s totally fine isn’t it?

An iron
You just can’t go wrong with a decent iron. A good steam function, an easy grip handle, an iron is surely what every woman wants for Christmas?

WRONG.

Never, I repeat never, buy your wife or girlfriend an iron as a gift. Unless you want it in your face. The same applies to aprons, oven cleaner, hoovers and pegs. Just no.

So ladies, what would your dream Christmas gift be?

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Have you heard the news? I’m going to be an auntie!

OK, so that’s not really true. But I could be Kate Middleton’s sister. I wouldn’t need to change my name or anything, just, um, lose a pound or two? And bring out an over-hyped party planning book. And change into a new dress every couple of hours. Easy peasy.

All the celebrity magazines have of course been awash this month with news of Kate Middleton’s pregnancy. It makes me a little bit sad, as it was only recently that I opted to put money on a horse, just because it had the word ‘squirrel’ in its name, rather than on a royal baby for 2013. Needless to say my squirrel horse didn’t do very well.

Despite missing the opportunity to cash in on Kate’s morning sickness misery, I can still get involved in the whole excitement of it – what names will they choose? What maternity wear will she be seen in? Will she be too posh to push? All the important questions naturally. I’m not normally a royalist, but everyone loves an excuse to think about something other than the conflict in Syria or Libya or some other stricken country ending in ‘a’. I got properly into the royal wedding. I think I may even have shed a tear.

Renowned as I am for my fashion sense, I thought I’d pick out a few outfits for Kate from Tiffany Rose. What do you think of these?

"Maternity day wear"

Some stylish day wear for shaking hands with old people, opening orphanages and what not. As worn by all the celebs this one.

"Maternity evening dress"

Something fancy for when Pippa launches her next book – ‘101 ways with ribbon – a gorgeous guide to gift-wrapping’

"maternity nightwear"

Loungewear chic – for chilling out on the sofa, watching TOWIE, with her feet up on a corgi.

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Today I have been doing a Very Brave And Noble Thing.

Biscuit research.

I know, I know, the things I do for you, but you don’t need to thank me, just consider my festive biscuit findings my Christmas gift to you.

Fox’s sent me a selection of their Christmas biscuits to try and I, selflessly, have been testing them out, so I can recommend to you the six biscuits I think you need this Christmas. And I mean need. A Christmas without a tin of chocolate biscuits is like a tumbler without a gin and tonic in it. Just pointless.

So without further ado, I bring you your six essential Fox’s Christmas biscuits:

"Fox's chocolate edition"Milk chocolate jaffa viennese
From the Fox’s Chocolate Edition box, this is a truly wonderous biscuit, topped with jaffa and thick milk chocolate.

Good for: Enjoying all the deliciousness of a Jaffa Cake without the worry of the biscuit versus cake debate. This is definitely a biscuit.

Dark chocolate fudge sundae
From the same box, this is a biscuit for those who mean business. I mean come on, look at the name, it’s practically a pudding in a biscuit. It’s Christmas though. It would be rude not too.

Good for: dieters who want the fun of a massive slice of chocolate cake whilst at the same time being able to say ‘What me? No, I just had a biscuit.’

"Caramel rounds"Caramel rounds
These are so good, they come in a box all by themselves. Crunchy biscuit, gooey caramel, and thick milk chocolate. When Boyfriend saw these he made a strange gargling noise like when Homer Simpson sees a doughnut.

Good for: distracting boyfriends when you have ‘accidental’ January sale purchases you need to sneak into the wardrobe.

"Mini choc party rings"

Mini choc rings
I’m sure I don’t need to spell this one out. They are party rings, but chocolate, and mini. Party rings. Chocolate. Mini. See?

Three desirable biscuity attributes, but all in one biscuit.

Good for: Lunchboxes, so long as you don’t mind getting disdainful looks from the posher mums.

"Jam 'n' cream"

 

Jam ‘n’ cream
This is an odd one for me. There is something about them that sort of turns my stomach a little bit, and yet when I eat them, I want another one. They are my olive of the biscuit world – horribly moorish.

Good for: When you’re feeling daring. Go on, you know you want to.

"Bourbon"

 

The bourbon cream
The Jam ‘n’ cream can be found in the Fabulously Fox’s tin, along with all the classics including one of my all time favourite biscuits – the bourbon. Biscuit perfection.

Good for: Anything. Absolutely anything.

What’s your favourite Christmas biscuit?

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My neighbour asked me yesterday to come and look at her Christmas tree. She had just put it up, and was especially proud of her 50-year-old lights, bought the first Christmas after she married. The decorations too she explained were probably as old, and every year it was exciting to unwrap them and remember them from Christmases gone by.

I hope this is how I still feel about Christmas when my lights are fifty years old. I love Christmas, and getting a Christmas tree – real of course for the wonderful smell – is a highlight. There is something about that moment when you open the box of decorations, dragged down from the attic or out of the garage – a whoosh of cold, tinselly air that immediately makes you feel like Christmas.

My decorations are mainly peacock colours, with the addition this year of a small family of squirrels.

What’s your favourite Christmas tree decoration?

"Christmas decoration"

 

"glass bauble"

 

"Squirrel"

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This week I took a call from my dentist. This is a surprise in itself as I don’t normally answer the phone, but it was right there next to me and I was feeling reckless, so thought ‘what the hell!’

I’m mad I am.

Anyway, I said hello, which I’ve heard is the done thing, and they said ‘hello, Stoke Lane Dental Practice here’.

Immediately I wished I hadn’t bothered answering, as I am a teensy tiny bit scared of dentists, and immediately had a minor panic that they were phoning to remind me I was having all my teeth taken out in an hour or something.

Fortunately though, complicated dental surgery turned out not to be imminent – they were just calling to reschedule my appointment in January. Phew.

Apart from the fear, taking my children to the dentist always makes me feel a bit guilty. Despite my best attempts at encouraging dental hygiene, Belle has always been a reluctant brusher, and every time I take her for a check-up, I imagine they will peer into her mouth, raise their eyebrows and say “Hmmm… I see you’re a bad parent then…”

I have tried. I’ve carefully researched the best electric toothbrush, bought disclosing tablets, experimented with numerous mouthwashes, but no matter how many times I show her my collection of fillings, she just doesn’t seem to be able to motivate herself.

(In my research, I was particularly drawn to the ad for the Colgate pro clinical, which shows them brushing an egg, as this is basically my teeth – shell-like enamel that crumbles at the merest tap with a Werther’s Original),

At the moment she has a musical toothbrush. The idea is that it helps her know how long to brush for, but it also gives us something to listen out for. She could well of course be just switching it on and eating some sweets for two minutes, but short of standing over her twice a day, (who can be bothered with that?), I just have to trust her.

And save up for the inevitable dental bills.

How do you get your children to brush their teeth?

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With only ten days to go until Christmas, and vast quantities of food, gifts and decorations littering the house, isn’t it time you deserved a little treat?

Of course it is.

And I’m not just talking a sneaky glass of sherry in the kitchen while you’re cooking. I’m talking about a proper fancy kitchen gadget.

Now, if you’re like me, forever grinding spices by hand and what not, you’ll be secretly hoping that someone buys you a James Martin Wahl spice grinder for Christmas. When you don’t find a spice grinder in your stocking though, (because to be honest, who knew you loved grinding spices so much?), what will you do? Sob into your sprouts?

No!

You’ll enter this competition instead of course. Silly billy.

"Spice grinder"

If grinding spices isn’t your thing, you’ll be pleased to hear you can grind coffee beans in it too. Or simply stick it under the bed and wait until next Christmas, when you can whip it out as a thoughtful gift for the budding chef in your life.

To enter, simply leave a comment on this post, telling me what your favourite spice is. (I like a bit of cumin myself.)

The competition will close on 29th December, to give you chance to enter once you’ve opened your presents and been disappointed.

Good luck!

As featured on Loquax Competitions

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I was listening to the radio yesterday when a trailer came on for a programme this weekend. “We reveal,” it said, “why your choice of desktop wallpaper says far more about you than you think.”

(It was local radio. Not exactly ground-breaking political insight.)

Still, it got me thinking, because my current wallpaper is this picture of a kitten:

It’s not even my kitten. I literally googled ‘cute kitten’. Yes, I am that person. When you’re trying to create an online persona for yourself as a gin-swilling, dishes-hiding, heart-of-stone slummy mummy, having a picture of a kitten on your desktop is really not the done thing. It probably says far more about me than I’d really like.

So, I thought I’d write a little quiz, Psychologies magazine style, to help you discover what kind of person you really are, just by looking at your wallpaper. Answer each of these questions as honestly as you can, add up your answers, and your secret personality will be revealed…

QUIZ: What does your desktop wallpaper say about you?

1. Look at the colours in your wallpaper. Are they mainly:
a. pastels, pinks and pale blues
b. primary colours or mid-tone shades
c. black and blood reds

2.If someone asked if they could have a copy of your wallpaper for their own computer, what would you say?
 a. Of course! You are thrilled and flattered that they love you so much
b. Sure, you’ll ping over a jpeg when you get a chance
c. No! Why? What are you planning behind my back?

3. Which of these is closest to your wallpaper picture:
a. A cute fluffy animal of some sort, possibly wearing a minature hat
b. A nice landscape or family photo
c. A pile of mutilated limbs against a backdrop of charred ruins. In the background is a small child crying fat, silent tears.

4. When you look at your wallpaper, do you feel:
a. Full of joy, and like you want to rush out and give a homeless person a guinea pig
b. Like you should probably stop staring at the desktop and do some work
c. Like you want to punch a puppy in the face

RESULTS

Mostly As
You are a toddler. Seven years old at most. You might want to consider watching the news more regularly.

Mostly Bs
You are normal. Well done.

Mostly Cs
You are quite possibly a sociopath. Call the police and turn yourself in before you acidentally go on a killing spree.

And that’s the end of the test. So go on then, tell all, what does your desktop wallpaper say about you??

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I love Christmas. The mulled wine, mince pies, crappy music, but especially buying presents. Shopping online for Christmas presents is extra fun, as you can eat a mince pie, drink mulled wine and listen to crappy music at the same time, all from the comfort of your sofa.

One of the problems I have though is that I keep seeing things I want to buy for me. Like that lovely blue velvet chair. This is especially true of my new favourite gift website, Zinc & Co.  Zinc & Co have collected together the most unusual and beautiful gifts they can find, and have added in an extra special promise – if you can find the same products cheaper somewhere else they will refund the difference. Now that’s a pretty big claim, and saves you a lot of faffing about and worrying about whether you’re paying over the odds.

Also, they offer next day delivery, so if anyone is still looking for a last minute Christmas gift for me, these are my four favourite things:

Sparrow keyring and holder

Have your keys looked after by a bird! Not only that, it doubles as a whistle, just in case you are ever holding your keys and need to call a dog or something.

"Sparrow keyring"

Storm in a teacup

Well this is just adorable isn’t it? Who doesn’t like tea? It says it’s the perfect mug for a drama queen.

"Storm in a teacup"

Desk bunny scissors

Is it a bunny? Is it a pair of scissors? Who cares, it will look cute on your desk."desk bunny scissors"

Vintage posters

They have loads of these and they are all beautiful. ‘O My Love, tonight the sky is a darkened circus tent above our dreams and the moon slowly walks a tightrope into morning.’

"O my love poster"

They also do wishlists, so you can choose your own favourite products without having to go to the effort of setting up a blog. Nice. Choose your favourite pressies now at Zinc & Co.

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