My mum told me yesterday that she doesn’t think I know how to worry properly.
It was because I’d been telling her that one of my main worries about the coronavirus was zombies. Zombies or perhaps man-eating plants. ‘I don’t care how much toilet paper I have,’ I said, ‘the most stressful thing about going to the supermarket is getting out of the car and expecting to see the undead shuffle out of the trolley park.’
‘I absolutely promise you,’ she said, ‘that there will not be any zombies.’
‘That’s exactly what they say at this point in the books,’ I pointed out, in what felt like a completely reasonable way, ‘but then the virus mutates and suddenly your shrubs are trying to eat you in the night.’
‘I think perhaps that you’re not used to worrying,’ said my mum, ‘and that you’re not sure how to process it. I don’t think it’s really about zombies.’
She might be right.
Whereas my sister, in her own words, has been ‘prepping for this moment her whole life’, emotionally at least, (although they do also always have more than a normal amount of pasta at home), I have not. Anxiety has historically not been my ‘thing’ and I prefer to waft through life unconcerned by external events or health concerns. Over the last year or so though, maybe age, maybe the midlife unravelling, I’d already started to notice odd niggles about things taking root – a needless trip to the optician because my eyes ‘don’t feel right’ here, a cry over the pointlessness of life there. I’ve felt slightly off my game for a while and coronavirus feels like it could be the thing that tips me over the edge.
25 years of reading dystopian fiction has left me with an ingrained fear of things like viruses, over which we appear to have so little control. It feels scary to me because it’s unpredictable, it could be anywhere and because we don’t know how to kill it.
Just like zombies.
Partly I know it’s to do with personal circumstances. Belle has been going through a ‘rough patch’ for, ooh, about three and a half years now, and that has certainly taken its toll on us both. Bee had a difficult pregnancy and now has a new baby, and I’ve wanted to support her as much as possible too. Belle’s not been attending college for a year and the daily ritual of getting her and myself out of the house in as casual and fun a way as possible has been a huge part of how we go from one day to the next.
It’s felt like something of a limbo for me, and her too I’m sure, because neither of us are really sure of what might change and when. Trying to maintain work alongside this has felt tough – creativity and motivation are low. Having this sense of suspended reality scaled up into a global one has shaken me for sure. I was dealing with uncertainty on a personal level by feeling grounded by the security of others, of a world carrying on regardless. Now I feel like I’ve lost that anchor.
Maintaining a social life outside of just the two of us at home, having regular, face-to-face contact with other adults, has also been a really important way of maintaining my own sanity. Faced with the prospect of losing that for the foreseeable future is overwhelming at times. What if we can’t handle it? What if we both go mad? What if we get eaten alive by all the spider babies?
And then there’s the guilt to deal with, of knowing that I’m in such a relatively privileged position, that neither of us are likely to actually die, and yet still failing to find the strength to maintain a positive outlook. I feel like I’m being selfish, but when I think of the scale of the crisis and how many people will be affected in so many different ways, it becomes unmanageable.
Perhaps making it about my own battle against zombies is my brain’s way of dealing with it, for now at least, and maybe that’s okay.
Are you experiencing anxiety around coronavirus and how are you managing it? Please do leave a comment and let me know.
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P.S. I understand that the best way to kill a zombie is a straightforward decapitation, just make sure you sever the head completely.
Photo by Nathan Wright on Unsplash
Always on the end of a phone/computer if ya need a rant
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Thank you!
I am a Mummy to a very forward 15-month-old awesome girl, called Sophie. I am very lucky to still be in employment with the option to work from home. My mum is a registered childminder and was looking after Sophie while Ben and I work.
Unfortunately, on Sunday Ben started a cough, now it could be a standard cough, but we are following the guidelines, so as of Sunday Morning he was quarantined to our bedroom with en-suite. This leaves me alone in the rest of the house to look after Sophie, our dog Coco and cat Luna. Not to mention all the meals, cleaning, laundry. Then come Monday, back to my Full-Time job that I am completing from home.
Firstly, mad respect for single parents! I am exhausted! I am struggling! I have such a sore head! I have guilt for ignoring Sophie to get my work done. Did I mention she is very forward? She needs lots of stimulation, she needs attention, she needs me to play with her, she needs me to teach her new things. This is a critical time in her learning and not only are we separated from family and stuck in the house, but I cannot give her the time she needs, and she doesn’t understand that mummy needs to work.
My mum has been amazing with her, she has learnt so much these last few months being in a childminders home with my mum and other children. Now I appreciate there are struggles in every household, but my question is how are we supposed to work a full-time job from home and bring up our children? It’s only the start of Day Three and I need help. I have to stay in with Sophie for 14 days, we now have a lockdown and my dad is High Risk, so I feel like I can’t send Sophie back to my mum.
Can there be a plan in place to protect the salaries of those that have to be at home with their children? There are numerous workers given a furlough of payment for 12 weeks as businesses/jobs are closed. I, as I have said, am fortunate to be in a job where I can work from home. But without childcare….I think this is a question that needs to be raised as I feel both my child and job are going to suffer, not to mention my physical and mental health.
My parents are both self-employed, so are worse off than me and I want to fight to get a proper plan in place for the self-employed, but hopefully this can be the next question on the list. I shouldn’t have to take unpaid leave or use holidays while others are being paid to be at home. Lets get talking!
I know what you mean, I have panic bought torches and candles etc in case we go full on apocalyptic. It is a very worrying and uncertain time. I hope you are holding up ok!
I have created a facebook group called Coronavirus Mental Health Support Group which is full of positive news stories, self-care tips and a wonderful community of people who are quick to support one another. You are welcome to join if you ever want a space to get away from all the negative and distressing news in the media.