Last night I ate three chocolate brownies.
Okay, even that’s a lie. I think I actually ate four, but somehow three sounds just a little less disgusting. They were about two inches square, so that’s quite a lot of brownie. Belle made them for me because I was hormonal and tired and they were delicious and chocolatey. I enjoyed eating them, but I also didn’t, because at the same time I was thinking about my thighs, and that took the edge off the fun of it a little bit.
To be honest, it scares me a little bit – my complete lack of self-control when it comes to food. I worry a lot about my complete inability to discipline myself, and what this is going to mean for me and my body over the coming years. That sounds very dramatic I know, but it definitely feels like an addiction. I have never taken drugs, and never been a smoker, because I just know that I wouldn’t be able to give up – I have no will power.
I tested myself this morning. I had a bag of brazil nuts on my desk, and was eating them without really even thinking about it. I realised that that was probably a bad idea as it said there were 692 calories per 100g and it was a 200g bag, so I took our four and lined them up on my desk. I told myself that I would leave them there, and see how long I could make them last, that I would only eat them when I really wanted one.
Within two minutes I had eaten all four.
That’s not really okay is it?
(At this point I thought about taking four more brazil nuts out of the bag, lining them up on my desk, and taking a picture. I couldn’t take the risk though – no way would those brazil nuts go back in the bag – so instead I had to find a calorie-free stock image.)
I blame mindfulness. I’m so damn busy living in the moment that I find it hard to picture the future or make decisions based on long term consequences. All I can think about is how the brownie will feel in my mouth for those few seconds. And then afterwards of course I feel wracked with guilt and spend the half hour in bed before falling asleep fantasising about liposuction.
I’ve even gone as far as to say that if I had one wish, I would wish that I could eat and drink whatever I wanted, without it ever having any negative consequences on my health or body. World peace? Pah! An end to child poverty? Nope. Calorie free brownies for me please.
Does anyone else feel like this about food? Does anyone else scare themselves with their complete lack of self-control?