How many hours a week do you reckon you spend on household chores?

According to recent surveys for Mumsnet and Women’s Hour  it’s an average of 10 hours a week for working mums and just five hours a week for men. Given that I’m a single parent, I reckon I’m notching up at least 15 hours a week doing tedious things like shopping, cooking, washing and hoovering. Sure, I save some time by avoiding cleaning the bathroom more often than I need to to avoid dysentery, but it’s still a lot.

Housework survey

We know all this though.

As much as some men would like to have us believe we live in an age of gender equality – ‘there’s that ad on TV remember, where the man is made to look stupid!’ – we don’t. It would be nice, but we just don’t. Women still get left with the lion’s share of housework, parenting and other caring duties, on top of working in jobs where they are quite likely paid less than the average man. And that’s just the surface inequality.

In a way I feel a bit sorry for men. Apparently out of 54 common household tasks, women are chiefly responsible for 36 of them. There are just three where men predominantly take charge: changing lightbulbs, taking the bins out and DIY. It feels a bit like only trusting a small child with a pair of special plastic scissors. View Post

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Sylvanian beekeeperAs a single mummy I spend a lot of time tidying things. Not cleaning so much – I don’t really like chores that involve getting my hands wet – but that general sorting and moving piles of things around the house.

It drives me absolutely mad.

It’s not that I don’t like tidying, or even than I have a low tolerance for mess, it’s just that I can’t bear picking up other people’s stuff, over and over and over again. I could have a room full of my own crap and then Belle will leave a nail varnish on the table and I want to scream.

Things I cannot bear:

  • Clothes left on the bathroom floor
  • Empty cups left anywhere at all
  • Things generally got out, played with, and then just left wherever they are
  • Fruit yo-yo wrappers left on the sofa when the bin is right there for Christ’s sake

As you can see, the theme is generally stuff left places. View Post

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How much time does housework take up in your life?

If Boyfriend had to answer for me he’d probably say ‘not much’ although I am adamant that I do more than he thinks, I just don’t like doing the jobs that get your hands wet, like cleaning toilets. I am good at general tidying though – putting things into neat piles, plumping cushions, organising folders into colour order, that sort of thing. Just don’t look at my bedroom floor.

Seriously, don’t. It’s shameful. At the moment it resembles my bedroom as a teenager, where I had so many clothes on the floor I actually once trod on a guitar without realising. (True story. When I discovered it I had to stick the back back on with duct tape.)

In fact, looking through this infographic from Co-operative Insurance I wonder whether I might be slacking in other areas too. I’m slightly doubtful that I will spend anywhere near 167 days helping my children with their homework and my food shopping tally has got to be way off, as Boyfriend doesn’t trust me to do that, complaining that I never come home with things you can actually make meals from.

I tell him that mushy peas on toast is definitely a meal, but he’s far from convinced.

How do you think this infographic compares with your lifetime of chores? 

This ‘Life time of chores’  infographic was supplied by the team at Co-operative Insurance Image

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One of my favourite quotes is from Joan Rivers. She says “”I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

This is exactly how I feel.

Aside from my dislike of anything that involves getting my hands wet, housework is just so boring isn’t it? And futile. You could spend a whole day tidying up and making things look nice, and then a small child will come in, push all of your books to the back of the shelf, and the whole thing is ruined.

(Because everyone knows that books have to line up flush to the front of the shelves or else everything is just wrong. Children have a sixth sense for this weakness of mine and immediately upon entering my house they will make for the nearest shelf and push all of the books back with a look of glee on their eyes. I swear they have some sort of toddler forum where they share this things like this, just to be super annoying.) View Post

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When you think of me, as I’m sure you often do, idling away those quiet moments at work or at home, I’m sure that one of the things you think of first is hoovering.

No?

OK, so maybe it’s not the first thing you thing of, but I did once write that post about housework you know. I think I suggested throwing crumbs behind the sofa.

Despite my domestic sluttery however, I was recently chosen to be one of 25 ‘Morphy Richards Innovators’, meaning that over the course of the year, Morphy Richards are going to send me some stuff, and I will tell them what I think. I’m guessing they are looking for more constructive criticism than ‘housework is pointless, you do it once and then you just have to do it all again later.’

The first thing they’ve sent me is this, the Lift Away Bagless Upright Vacuum Cleaner.

Here it is, for you to cast your expert vacuum cleaner eye over:

"Morphy Richards Lift Away"

Pretty snazzy isn’t it?

Morphy Richards say “The new Lift Away Bagless Upright Vacuum Cleaner features Never Loses Suction* technology with constant pick up performance.”

Sounds a bit like a Lynx advert doesn’t it? A lot of men would love to enhance their pick up performance. I reckon there’s something in it. A man does become a lot more attractive if they do the hoovering regularly. Especially if it’s all by themselves, without you having to say ‘darling, would you mind running the hoover round?’

I’m not sure though that men really appreciate just how much housework can increase their chances with women. My first bit of feedback for Morphy Richards would be this – reassess your target audience. Come up with an ad that shows a normal looking man pushing a vacuum cleaner around, followed by swarms of beautiful women. A bit like the Pied Piper. There are all kinds of puns you work around the concept of ‘suction power’.

What was I talking about?

Oh yes, vacuum cleaners.

Well, I can say, from experience now, that the Morphy Richards Lift Away does pick things up, which is a jolly good start. We’ve got a lot of floorboards, and I liked that it’s so simple to switch the set up from carpets to hard floors. It was perhaps a little more effective on the carpets, but then they’re the important bit to keep clean anyway aren’t they? Slightly dusty floorboards are fine. That’s just shabby chic.

I found the pivoting floorhead really easy to use, and also loved the ‘Lift Away Detachable Canister’, which means, as you may have guessed, that you can detach the canister as you clean, giving you more flexibility.

"Morphy Richards vacuum cleaner"

PIVOT! PIVOT!!

This was really handy on the stairs, especially as I’m a little on the clumsy side, and have a habit of bashing things against the walls (accidentally) if they’re too heavy or unwieldy.

Another great selling point? It’s purple! Funky.

I wouldn’t say it made housework fun exactly, but it certainly made it easy. We’ll just have to wait and see about the never-ending suction.

*cue those bikini clad babes*

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A couple of weeks ago I was tagged in a meme by The Fabulous Mom Guide. The subject of the meme was ‘ten things I tell myself every day’

This was a tricky one for me. My internal monologue witters on incessantly, but is it consistent, does it tell me the same things day in day out? I had to listen for a while to find out, and this is what I came up with – ten things I think about at various times most days:

1. When I first wake up – “OK chubby, today is going to be the day you show a bit of self-control and don’t eat any crap.”

2. On walking up to my study – “Gosh, there really is a lot of dust on those skirting boards. I should do something about that.”

3. About 11am – “Just one biscuit really wouldn’t hurt, you have worked very hard today so far.”

4. About 11.05am – “Step away from the biscuit tin. No, not one more. OK, one more, and then put the lid on and walk away. WALK AWAY!!”

5. At intervals during the day – “I really must write that post today about the ten things I think about every day.”

6. On hearing the washing machine beeping but being in my study and too lazy to walk down and switch it off – “I will just let it beep once more and then it will stop. Gah! Once more. Pause. Gah! Once more. Pause. GAH!”

7. On walking back up to my study, having turned the washing machine off – “I wish I hadn’t had a biscuit while I was down there. Those skirting boards are really dusty.”

8.From 3.30pm onwards – “I probably should go downstairs and do something wholesome with the children. I’ll just have a little look on twitter first.”

9. Around 5.30pm – “Goodness, what happened there? I really must go downstairs now.”

10. Lying in bed – “Tomorrow will be the day I clean the skirting boards and don’t eat any biscuits.”

As you can see, my mind really is a thrilling place to be.

Now I have to pass the meme on, to other people with more interesting thoughts than mine. I’m going to tag three very lovely new friends – Bristol bloggers who I have met for the first time in the last couple of weeks – Ella at Purple Mum, Hilary at Bishopston Mum and Kath at Knitty Mummy.

What thoughts dominate your brain on a daily basis? Please tell me they’re as dull as mine…

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This weekend I went for a rummage in the 20p bin at the Amnesty bookshop, and came across a collection of poems from a writer called Grace Nichols, called Lazy Thoughts of a Lazy Woman. How could I not buy it?

My favourite so far is called Grease – poetry for women who can think of better things to do than clean kitchens.

 

Grease

Grease steals in like a lover
over the body of my oven.
Grease kisses the knobs
of my stove.
Grease plays with the small
hands of my spoons.
Grease caresses the skin
of my table-cloth,
Grease reassures me that life
is naturally sticky.

Grease is obviously having an affair with me.

 

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I make no secret of the fact that I don’t like housework. If you’ve read my fantastic housework tips you’ll probably have cottoned on to the fact that I am not a clean freak.

It’s really not that I’m lazy, it’s just that I find it boring and ultimately pointless. I don’t mind a bit of light tidying now and again, the kind where you can throw away satisfying piles of paper and arrange things in height or colour order, but actual cleaning, it’s just so relentless. As the fabulous Joan Rivers once said, “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

So when Danielle Raine offered me a copy of her new book, Housework Blues, I was intrigued. The book describes itself as less of a ‘how to’, and more of a ‘why bother’, a guide to help you cope with the mental and emotional challenge of keeping a home. It sounded perfect…

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I was sat at the kitchen table at nine o’clock this morning, minding my own business, making my way through my second cup of coffee of the morning, when a new email pinged into my inbox.

“Morning Jo!” said the subject line.

“Morning email!” I thought to myself.

The email was from the producer of a programme on BBC Radio Kent, asking if I would be available to comment on a story in The Daily Mail today about whether or not it is OK to ask people to take their shoes off when they come into your house. Clearly someone has been spreading rumours about my lack of enthusiasm for housework and my generally filthy carpets.

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It is a few weeks ago now that I confessed to some of my most secret habits, including occasional hiding of dirty dishes in cupboards, so I thought it was time to justify my Slummy Mummy status by revealing some more of my slummiest habits.

I love reading other people’s confessions. There is something fascinating and comforting about reading other people secrets – the blog equivalent of reading Heat magazine. Just when you are feeling inadequate and lonely, you read that other women feel the same, that even celebrities sometimes go out with chipped nail varnish, and suddenly the world feels like a better place.

I felt particularly vindicated today reading confessions from Ella at Most/Least – what a relief to read I’m not the only mother who sometimes prefers writing about her children to actually having to speak to them…

Today though, I want to focus on housework. I know… GROAN…. who enjoys housework? Well not me. Of all the responsibilities in my life – being a single parent, holding down a variety of jobs, not to mention a nice selection of voluntary roles, housework really is my lowest priority. In fact, I suspect I became a school governor just as an excuse not to clean the toilet. So when my juggling gets tricky, the first ball to crash to the floor is always the cleaning one.

There are some forms of household chores I enjoy. Arranging my books in colour order for instance is always a pleasant way to pass an afternoon, especially if I have a particularly pressing deadline that I am trying to avoid. I’m not sure that tasks like sorting my make-up into pretty boxes really count as housework though…

So if you are looking to save time and effort around the house, here are my top five tips. Those with a fetish for cleanliness or who are easily disturbed should switch back to facebook now:

1. Crumbs – they get everywhere don’t they? My house is always full of bits. Sometimes I feel motivated enough to pick some of them off the floor (I don’t have a Hoover) but then what to do with them? The kitchen is too far away, I have yet to install a bin in the living room. So when you’re pressed for time, throw your crumbs behind the sofa.

2. Children’s toys – again, they get everywhere. And Belle gets as much fun out of a toilet roll or a piece of cling film as anything else. When the toys threaten to overwhelm you and you can’t be bothered fighting to get the kids to tidy them up, just collect them all up off the floor in a black bag and take them to Oxfam. It will make them appreciate what they have left. Honest.

3. Dishes – now we know I sometimes hide them, but this is obviously only a temporary solution. My least favourite dishes are the ones my teen brings down at intervals from her bedroom – cereal bowls encrusted with fossilised coco-pops, mugs stiff with mould. What to do? Just put them in the bin. Really. Out of sight and all that…

4. Baths – yuk yuk yuk. I particularly dislike cleaning that involves getting my hands wet. If you can’t face all that bending and stretching but need to scrub the tub, children’s bath time are ideal. While they are in the bath just give them some soap and a cloth and get them to clean the tiles and other surfaces. You might want to give them a rinse down afterwards to get rid of scum (the child, not the tiles), but this is much simpler than cleaning the whole bath.

5. Beds – sick of changing sheets? Ditch your partner. Become single and suddenly the need to change your sheets more than a few times a year goes out the window. Tada!

So that’s it. Slummy Mummy’s guide to housework. Some valuable advice there I’m sure you’ll agree. Do share your own time-saving tips!

Photo credit: suesviews

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