Boyfriend has been doing his best since the tap incident to send me links to things that will make me cross.
He sent me a link to an article in the Guardian this week that almost succeeded, but in the end just made me want to give the writer a big hug, adorn him with fairy lights, and gives his cheeks a squeeze. I fancy this would infuriate him much more.
The post was all about the ‘cutesification of everything‘ and claimed that anyone who dared to count the number of sleeps until Christmas* deserved basically to be strung up like a turkey and be forced to read the back of Innocent smoothie packs – “essentially an In the Night Garden script about fruit [that] will cause me to involuntarily clench my fist so hard that I’ll cover myself in apple pulp.”
What is wrong with this man?
Sure, the world of marketing can get a bit sappy sometimes, but has he not had a look around at the state of this planet? People are literally dying left, right and centre. The rainforests are being demolished, seas and rivers are poisoned, we have weapons trained on each other, our fingers hovering over the big red buttons. We are screwed.
Innocent must know this – we all must know it – so what is the harm in trying to lighten the mood a little with a few fruit based jokes?
“There was a time when adults were adults,” the journalist rants. “When they were all stern authoritarians who smelled of tea and boot polish and grew moustaches because it made them look sensible and not because it’d set off their brightly coloured sockless Asos espadrilles.”
Well that sounds like such fun doesn’t it? Excuse me for not being able to grow a moustache. Excuse me for wanting to brighten up my day just a teeny tiny bit by using the word ‘yay’. Nations will not fall, people will not die, because I use #nom in a tweet. If I had been able to work out how to change this post into a cuter font then I would have done, just to annoy complete misery guts who wrote that post.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and check my ‘how many sleeps’ app and nom a mince pie.
*There are 29 as I type.