11 alternative things to say to cold callers asking about your accident

I had a phone call this week. It was annoying as I had a mouth full of pea shoots and had to munch them up and swallow them quickly. When I answered I discovered it TOTALLY wasn’t worth it.

‘Hello,’ said the voice on the other end, which sounded like a robot but wasn’t, ‘I’ve been informed you’ve been in a car accident that wasn’t your fault, is that correct?’

I gasped in horror, as though I was being told this news for the first time and had suddenly realised that my legs were trapped. ‘Who informed you?’ I asked.

‘When did the accident take place?’ asked the not robot.

‘That’s not really an answer is it?’ I said. ‘I asked who informed you?’

Silence, and then the dial tone.

I was quite disappointed as I was on my lunch break with time to kill and had been keen to string it out for a bit. Since the call I’ve been considering alternative responses, and have had a few suggestions from Twitter, so I’ve compiled a list for you of alternative things to say the next time someone calls to tell you that they’ve been informed that you’ve been in a car accident. You might want to print off this list and keep it by the phone so it’s handy.

You’re welcome.

11 alternative things to say to a cold caller who tells you you’ve been involved in a car accident

‘Oh my goodness! I thought I was feeling a bit funny today. Am I seriously hurt?’

‘Could you call me back in about ten minutes?’ (grunting) ‘I’m just having a poo and it’s proving stubborn.’

‘Noooo!’ (breaking down in tears), ‘I knew this would catch up with me! I told Frank we shouldn’t have pushed the other car off that bridge, that we should have just owned up and told everyone it was an accident, and NOW SEE WHAT’S HAPPENED??’

‘Don’t you want more for yourself than this? When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?’

‘Well, that’s a funny coincidence as I have just been informed that you have been in an accident? Are you okay?’

‘Well I have been in an accident but it WAS my fault. That bastard had it coming.’

‘Yes I have – it happened just then when I answered the phone to you, so I guess that makes it your fault? Could you give me your insurance details please?’

‘Thanks for calling. I do need to make you aware that this call will be recording for training purposes.’

‘Damn it,’ (in desperate voice), ‘I thought I’d managed to get all the witnesses. Who told you? Was it that snitch Tommo?’

‘I would say it was less of a car, more of a goat. Does that count?’

‘I’m so glad you called,’ (whispering), ‘I’ve been trying to tell everyone this for MONTHS but they keep telling me I imagined it. I’ve been in this strange hospital for six weeks now. Can I give you the name of my doctor and then you can call and explain to her that it IS true – you have been informed of it?’

things to say to cold callers


Image by Frannyanne/shutterstock




  1. 16 June, 2017 / 7:57 am

    I get quite a few cold calls a week…absolute menace to be honest but I like your ideas and will definitely be stringing out calls now if I have the time :D gotta amuse myself somehow :D

  2. Isabel Aldrich
    16 June, 2017 / 10:07 am

    I know of a lady who was disturbed by a cold call from an insurance company/PPI whatever. To get rid of them she blurted out “I can’t talk now I’m dying” as she was in the middle of dying fabric in the bath. The response from the caller was a gasp and a gabled I’m sorry before hastily hanging up thinking they disturbed her in her final moments on earth.

  3. 16 June, 2017 / 11:33 am

    Brilliant! My absolute favourite was, ‘Thanks for calling. I do need to make you aware that this call will be recording for training purposes.’. So funny!

  4. 16 June, 2017 / 10:28 pm

    hehehe! I love this. I am going to try a few of these….
    I don’t even drive and never have but still get the phone calls. lol

  5. 24 June, 2017 / 9:12 pm

    I LOVED reading this post so damn much! I hate cold callers so much so I’ll definitely be using some of these soon! ;)

  6. 4 September, 2017 / 11:50 pm

    I’m laughing but have used a few of these

  7. 22 June, 2018 / 12:01 am

    Hilarious. I’ve tried dropping the phone, screaming and shouting ‘oh my god there’s so much blood’ screaming again. Then going silent

    • Jo Middleton
      22 June, 2018 / 11:21 am

      Hahaha! I love that one – I’m going to use that next time :-D

  8. Randy Llewellyn (dec'd)
    15 March, 2019 / 11:21 am

    Yes! I was killed in that accident … what medium are you using to get in touch with me?

  9. Yvonne
    16 August, 2019 / 2:06 pm

    Cold call,”Hi, I am Victoria from ‘TeeGee'(?). I am calling to make and inquiry to see if you need my help. Were you involved in an accident that was not your fault in the last few months?”

    I replied, “No”. (Calm and firm)

    Then, in a second, she hung up on me! How rude!!!

  10. Karen James
    24 August, 2019 / 2:49 pm

    They don’t care. As soon as you get smart with them they just hang up. They never Check your name when you answer. I said “you don’t even know who you’re talking to so how do you know?”. She said “Have you been in an accident?”. I said “You told me you’d been informed that I have”. [Dialling Tone]

  11. 5 September, 2019 / 10:27 am

    Just tell them that you actually had two (or more if you want) accidents, and can you tell me which one you are calling about. (If you want to play with them that is!) You will be put through to a supervisor, who has always been an Indian or Pakistani so far, except once when he was using a London accent.

    After that it’s fun fun fun getting the supervisor to explain which accident he’s calling about and why have I been put through to him when I was having quite a nice chat with the young lady just now (so far, all my scam calls have been initially with women).

    I eventually ask if he’s dealing with the BMW or the Audi which have both run into the back of me, so far, the best answer has been “Yes”.

    My best time keeping him on the line has been 35 minutes. I closed the call by t elling him that he was a scammer, that I had wasted his time, and then gave him slightly impolite advice on “sex and travel” (FOFF!).

    I also do this sort of thing with the “Hello, this is Microsoft Technical Support and we are calling about a virus that you have. We get an alert every time you connect your Windows Computer to the internet” calls. I work in IT so I can keep them going for hours. (I don’t use Microsoft products so I know it’s a scam as soon as it starts.)

    Have fun with the scammers and don’t fall for their lies.


  12. 20 May, 2020 / 8:23 pm

    Ahaha. Next time I will reply: “Hey, you have a sexy voice. Do you want to go out with me?”

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