Last night I ate three chocolate brownies.
Okay, even that’s a lie. I think I actually ate four, but somehow three sounds just a little less disgusting. They were about two inches square, so that’s quite a lot of brownie. Belle made them for me because I was hormonal and tired and they were delicious and chocolatey. I enjoyed eating them, but I also didn’t, because at the same time I was thinking about my thighs, and that took the edge off the fun of it a little bit.
To be honest, it scares me a little bit – my complete lack of self-control when it comes to food. I worry a lot about my complete inability to discipline myself, and what this is going to mean for me and my body over the coming years. That sounds very dramatic I know, but it definitely feels like an addiction. I have never taken drugs, and never been a smoker, because I just know that I wouldn’t be able to give up – I have no will power.
I tested myself this morning. I had a bag of brazil nuts on my desk, and was eating them without really even thinking about it. I realised that that was probably a bad idea as it said there were 692 calories per 100g and it was a 200g bag, so I took our four and lined them up on my desk. I told myself that I would leave them there, and see how long I could make them last, that I would only eat them when I really wanted one.
Within two minutes I had eaten all four.
That’s not really okay is it?
(At this point I thought about taking four more brazil nuts out of the bag, lining them up on my desk, and taking a picture. I couldn’t take the risk though – no way would those brazil nuts go back in the bag – so instead I had to find a calorie-free stock image.)
I blame mindfulness. I’m so damn busy living in the moment that I find it hard to picture the future or make decisions based on long term consequences. All I can think about is how the brownie will feel in my mouth for those few seconds. And then afterwards of course I feel wracked with guilt and spend the half hour in bed before falling asleep fantasising about liposuction.
I’ve even gone as far as to say that if I had one wish, I would wish that I could eat and drink whatever I wanted, without it ever having any negative consequences on my health or body. World peace? Pah! An end to child poverty? Nope. Calorie free brownies for me please.
Does anyone else feel like this about food? Does anyone else scare themselves with their complete lack of self-control?
Images – Igors Rusakovs and P-fotography from shutterstock
I’m the same and appreciate your honesty. I’m an ‘all or nothing ‘ kind of person and that seems to apply to food too. When I was pregnant I could happily eat a whole pack of shortbread biscuits in one go (and regularly did). If I home-bake anything I eat about half of it straight away as it’s tastes better straight out the oven. I have a really sweet tooth so always need dessert. In recent weeks have had a breakthrough by switching sweet treats for healthier sweet treats rather than trying to resist temptation altogether. I read amelia freer book and it really helped.
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I really feel the whole ‘all or nothing’ dilemma. I’ve often thought that it would be easier if I could just give up food COMPLETELY and that way you’d never have to have that problem of trying to stop once you’d started.
I have to stay away from certain things now as I have no self control. Jaffa cakes are a biggy for me. And bourbon biscuits. I could eat the whole pack, and then the next pack too! x
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Oh my goodness, they are two of my BIGGEST weaknesses! Bourbons I can just eat and eat. The biggest cruelty of all though – just after I finished writing this yesterday, a random packet of Jaffa Cakes arrived for me in the post!! Argh!
I’m not that keen on chocolate brownies but nuts, that’s a different story.. It’s 10pm and I am a little peckish!!! I’ve just eaten a quarter of a McVities Lyles Golden Syrup sticky pudding cake. Sadly that was the last of it so now it’s out with the Tescos (am I allowed to say that? If not delete it) roasted and salted nut assortment. Like you I will endeavour to eat a quarter of the bag but I know it won’t stop there.. at the moment I’m not sleeping well so spend a lot of the night watching crap TV so of course I’m naturally grazing. The problem is I don’t know where to stop and I’ll probably eat half a packet tonight. Once I’ve done that, like you, I will look at the calories that takes and vow not to do it again, but I will. I know that before I’d finished typing the sentence. So I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m relatively healthy what’s a nut or two between friends!
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The evenings are definitely a weakness for me, especially when watching the TV, as it feels like they go hand in hand. After writing this yesterday I was REALLY strong last night and only ate a mini milk all evening! Not bad considering there were still half a plate of brownies left…
That was soooooo good. I ended up eating 3/4 of the packet LOL.
I used to feel like that all the time. Quitting sugar really helped me. OK, I admit sometimes I still indulge for something sweet.but self-control is very difficult. And life would be so boring if we were to be good all the time. I love your honesty; I am sure many of us feel the same.
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Sugar is definitely the thing for me. The annoying thing is that I know if I could go a few days I probably wouldn’t even crave it – I just need to kick the habit!
I take my hat off to you. I ate 3/4 of that bag and a Nobbly Bobbly. Well there was only one left and I had to get in before my boy. What a horrible mother I am!!!
lol so true, it would be lovely to eat and drink what you want without worrying about it. These do look amazing x
So with you on this Jo. There are some things I can’t even have in the house because as soon as I start eating them I can’t stop. Milk chocolate is one of those things (dark chocolate less so – I find 2 squares (which is still 20 – 25g out of a 100g bar) are usually enough. In one go, that is. Have recently had to stop myself needing to go back to the kitchen in the evening because of the chocolate carnage that ensues if I do…
Just looking at those brownies I can understand!
I could eat my way through quite a few I am sure.
Chocolate, nuts, olives, and of course good wine are all things that take a ridiculous amount of will power to stop once you start.
I did the very same thing with a toffee the other day. My aim was to delay gratification for 20 minutes, I lasted two !
I don’t especially indulge when it comes to food but I’ve been one of those people who literally has to look at something and my thighs double in size. It’s horrible, especially when I’ve always been surrounded by people who can eat whatever they want and not look any different.. Thanks for linking up to #sharewithme
Ahh so lovely to see you on Share With Me sadly it’s my last week hosting it and it’s moving to Charlotte over at Mummy Fever but a lovely surprise to see you here babes. Reading this I have to say I can relate so much to this. While I am normally healthy and workout during the week I have a slight ok a huge gluttony problem when it comes to foods on the weekend and I flat out gorge so much that I have to be healthy and workout during the week. I will eat the entire bag of doritos watching netflix and a bar a chocolate all in one go. My hubby thinks it’s awful as he is a health freak and it does scare me what I will be like in my 40s/ 50s and 60s if I continue on this binge eating cycle. I hate it wish I had more will power i see friends eat salads and say no to sugar and bread while we are at a restaurant for dinner and I just can’t do that. My mother has the same issues with it as I do and seeing how much she struggles with body now in her 60s and she was smaller than me now in her 30s it frightens me so much. i have thought about being hypnotized but not sure that would work. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. I hope that you will continue to share with Charlotte over on Mummy Fever as she takes over Share With Me next week. #sharewithme
I have a weakness for brownies although it evaporated to some extent when I learned there were sixteen weightwatchers propoints in my favourite gluten free Costa Coffee ones. Not had one since! Rocky road though, another matter…
I kind of wish the opposite. I can go days without realizing I have not eaten anything. My appetite is non-existent. I have to count all my calories to make sure I eat enough in a day but I just don’t usually enjoy it.
Everyone with their own battle, huh?
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Yep definitely – we all have something!
Those brownies look insanely good I’m not surprised you couldn’t resist! I completely empathise with you. I’m a savoury girl though, and only last night I ate a whole family bag of Tyrells crisps! I don’t really feel too guilty though, because I’m an all-or-nothing person and mostly I eat really healthily, so this balances it out. I do wish I could just have a few crisps in one sitting though, but I don’t really know how to develop self control if it doesn’t come naturally. Does anyone??? …
I appreciate your honesty. I was also like that. Now, I have successfully quit sugar. Let’s see how things go. But, I’ve been able to hold-up for a while. I did falter a few months back though, But, I’m back on track. Sugar is a biggy but we can win the war by changing the way we think about it. Now, I see the pain of discipline that I have to endure as necessary to avoid the pain of regret in the future. I’m paraphrasing a quote by Jim Rohn. Here’s the full quote:
“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”
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Oooh I love a good chocolate brownie (or 5) too! I had a big sweet tooth whilst pregnant with my 2nd little boy. I did try to restrain myself and not scoff loads of sweet stuff every day. He’s now almost 9 months though and I eat some sort of choc on a daily basis – feel the guilt but console myself that I am breastfeeding so must need the calories I am.clearly going to be the size of a house when I stop! Eeeek
Could have been worse with the brazil nuts..Were they chocolate ones? :)
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Haha! They were plain – no chocolate, so FINE :-)