A guest post from my clearly emotionally damaged daughter Bee. Opps.
People always assume that I am from my personality, but I’m not a romantic person. This could be for a number of reasons.
1) Being in love is effort that I just don’t have time for.
2) As I so bluntly put it to my therapist once, “I’m not bothering, because I’ve never seen a successful relationship before, so why the hell should I try? I could be going to the post office or something useful rather than gazing into someone’s eyes who I am inevitably going to end up despising.”
I’m not totally cynical, it’s not that I don’t love people. I love my friends and family. I love Paul Rudd. I just can’t stand any kind of romantic mush, whether it’s idiots on my Facebook timeline, people kissing on the street, (get the hell out of my way), or slightly boring men who think they can whip up a ‘romantic’ and ‘original’ proposal to sweep their equally dull girlfriend off her feet.
This morning I was watching marriage proposal videos on YouTube (as you do) and found some totally cringe proposals that had me chanting “say NO, say NO!” like the lovely person I am. Here are some of the videos where I wanted to actively run in and stop it from happening, Hollyoaks style.
This guy who spent a year proposing to his girlfriend
So to sum up this unnecessarily long video, a guy holds up a sign saying “Jen, will you marry me?” every day for a year. Bit intense IMHO. Maybe take it down a notch with the cardboard signs. Also didn’t care for his weird little sexual dance half way through. In the time he had spent faffing around, they could have been married by now. Jen’s not getting any younger, she got things to do.
This guy with the most awkward card trick
This was actually painful to watch. Like so painful. He messes up what is already the worst trick in the world, at the most awkward beach dinner date ever. I would have taken the $1 and left. I feel like this was perhaps a pity yes. Maybe he’s had a rough time of it. Ah well. Good luck gurl, you’ll now be watching dumb card tricks all the way to the grave.
This guy who was too chicken to propose so he got that guy from Scrubs to do it, who clearly hated every minute of what he was saying
Ahahahahahah this was the WORST. He had clearly paid a lot of money to get that guy from Scrubs to say his girlfriend was hot, and Zach Braff hadn’t even bothered to take a shower. He’s supposed to be an actor and he couldn’t muster up a millilitre of enthusiasm for this guy Matt, the failed rock star. He clearly hated Matt and everything he stood for.
Creepy music video weirdo
This video starts off badly and ends worse. “I pretended my friend was making a music video so I could manipulate my girlfriend into being filmed. Then I got all her family to go to this cruddy old village hall place with tables in it so we could theoretically go right from the proposal to the wedding reception in one afternoon.”
I wanted to open the door of the venue like “run young girl, be free! Be free!”
And now, actually, the best proposal of all time.
Yeah it’s still creepy, and yeah they basically get divorced on their honeymoon. But he pulls it off. The Robin. Forever a classic.
P.S. Mummy, I wish you the world of happiness in your marriage. Just don’t kiss in front of me ever again.
P.P.S. If anyone I’ve ever dated is reading this, this is what you have made me become. Just a girl with a broken heart and shattered dreams. LOL.