I get a lot of shit press releases.
Here are some stats I made up to give you an idea of the sort of thing that lands in my inbox every day:
- 63% are written in a font so small I couldn’t read it even if I wanted to
- 92% are at least twice the length that any decent press release should be
- 87% of release titles include a terrible pun
- 74% think that a very original and never been done before angle is the fact that the product was designed at a kitchen table by someone who has given up a high paid job to follow their dreams. What those dreams are exactly we aren’t really sure – create an awful product that doesn’t sell and become penniless perhaps?
- 54% tell me all about this wonderful thing I absolutely must try – my life will not be complete until I have it – and then they offer to send me high res pictures. Now I know this is the done thing for print journalism, but I write a blog and don’t even need high res images. I want the THING. Don’t tell me how my readers would love for me to share it with them and then only send me an image. I’m not a teenage boy collecting pictures to hide under my mattress.
I had one press release this morning though that really wound me up, not because it was especially badly written, but simply because the product it was trying to sell was, as far as I could see, a complete rip off.
It was basically one small log, but for £25.
You heard me, £25.
And not even one of those fancy logs that self lights. Just an ordinary bog standard log that you could find on the floor of a wood.
Ah, but wait, this is no ordinary log, this is the LOVE LOG.
“Come into the living room my darling, let me show you my love log!”
This log is magical. It can make all of your dreams come true. All you have to do is burn the log for seven minutes on the fire, then throw in each of the six included “special” pine cones – (another thing you can find on the floor) – and ask the log a question about your romantic future.
Apparently “the colour of the flames, as well as their size and the way they flicker, reveals the answer to their question.”
Once you’ve completed your ceremony you then have to keep the embers in a bag for 12 months. The bag is provided, but unless it is made of gold then I am struggling to see the value in this not to be missed Valentine’s gift.
Am I being unreasonable here?