A letter of complaint to an ex-boyfriend

Today I have great pleasure in hosting a guest post from one of my readers, a lovely lady by the name of Beth.

Beth first commented on my blog on a post last summer called Once Upon a Time, a story about the one and only time in my life when I have had my heart truly broken. Most of the time my blog is fairly frivolous, but this post and Beth’s comment have stuck in my mind ever since, as the one time where I’ve felt like something I’ve written may have actually made a tiny difference in someone’s life.

This week Beth responded to a post I wrote about orgasms, commenting on her ex-partner’s rather selfish attitude in the bedroom, and I invited Beth to vent her frustrations in a formal letter of a complaint, in the hope that it would help her to lay to rest these ghosts of boyfriend past.

Beth took up the challenge, and here she is! Please make her very welcome…

Dear Not-so-charming,

Please take this as a formal letter of complaint and in the manner it is intended – to give you some indication of this, you should be thankful your boss, friends, ex and current girlfriend are not cc’ed into it.

This is in reference to the consistent failure of you to ‘finish the job’ (outside of the obvious way a man does) when having sex.  Way back when I was swooning over your perceived charms, I believe I evoked an orgasm for you without actually taking my clothes off – admittedly, a little wrist action was used. I have never taken a ‘tit for tat’ attitude towards anything, so didn’t think too much of you not giving this pleasure back, we were only in the early days of our relationship after all. 

I would just like to point out though that your abilities to reciprocate this were alarmingly substandard for someone with so much confidence and such a large ….ego. I can honestly say I willed myself to lose all control when I did eventually sleep with you, but to no avail. That’s right, I did not have an orgasm the first time I slept with you. I didn’t even fake it. More alarming than you not noticing this apparent lack of enjoyment on my part, is the fact that I never actually had an orgasm with you. Not once. Never. I know, can you believe it?  You, the stud, did not make me come. 

You once appeared concerned that I hadn’t had an orgasm during one of the sessions of sex when you were not drunk (and were obviously not sleeping with someone else, as you so often were, because otherwise, let’s face it, you wouldn’t have cared). This was, however, a normal occurrence. 

Now, before you start your counter argument………I’ll wait for you to catch up and figure what this might be before I go on……………….I should point out that I have never had an issue with climaxing prior to sleeping with you, or indeed after. It turns out that when someone makes you feel good about yourself, you feel more able to lose control with them, ergo more orgasms.
 
I mentioned at the start of this letter that I hoped you read this understanding my intentions. I know my words will go but a little way to demonstrating your limitations as a lover, but they are true, and this will be my final day contemplating how wrong I was to think there was a future with you. 
 
My best friend, her husband, my sister, my son and even my cat saw through you before I did. My heart is genuine and will continue to be so despite you. If there was a way I could warn any unsuspecting, naive, decent women to not fall for your prima facie charms I would. 
 
Never yours again,
 
Beth
 
P.S Surely you can only be ‘tricked’ by a woman into fatherhood once? Did you actually think I believed your bullshit like this?
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13 Comments

    • Beth
      9 March, 2011 / 5:45 pm

      Maybe his member will shrink and develop an aging process all of it’s own so it’s 20 years older than the rest of him?

    • 9 March, 2011 / 6:32 pm

      I love it Emma – the campaign for Equal Rights for Orgasms goes global…

      Great post :-)

  1. Beth
    9 March, 2011 / 5:42 pm

    Thanks Jo! A very liberating experience writing this…would recommend everyone does it who needs to vent about an ex.

    • 9 March, 2011 / 6:33 pm

      No problem Beth, thanks for doing it!

      I’m always happy to provide a place for anyone to vent about an ex – I reckon that would make a great regular slot :-)

  2. 9 March, 2011 / 9:28 pm

    Brilliant Beth! I remember your comment from Jo’s original article, it had struck a chord with me too on behalf of my sister who was down a well too, and hoped that you did make it out too.

    Loved your post, well said! What a douche bag.

  3. Fiona Firth
    9 March, 2011 / 9:34 pm

    I love it. I thought this might give me a giggle but funnily it hasn’t, I mean that in a positive way. Well done xx

    • 9 March, 2011 / 11:35 pm

      I know what you mean Fiona, I started to read it being ready to laugh, but instead ended up feeling quite moved.

  4. Beth
    9 March, 2011 / 10:08 pm

    Thank you for commenting-I’ve never done this before so massive thanks to Jo for supporting me through posting. I started out wanting it to be just funny but it ended with my true thoughts. And, great summing up to call him a douche bag!

  5. Amy trevaskus
    10 March, 2011 / 12:03 am

    Brilliant! I wrote a letter to my ex once telling him exactly what I thought about his cheating ways (not about the sex) and actually sent it! Surprisingly, never heard back from him…I think most women have a letter like this tucked away somewhere, it’s the writing of it that helps…great post!

  6. 11 March, 2011 / 12:25 am

    Good letter. The only time I laughed was at the PS. I think it was the shock – the idea that he used this as an excuse… more than once. God you are SO well out of this relationship.
    And if you are rubbish in bed you really should only inflict this on one woman at a time!!
    Hope you are now in a relationship with someone who makes you feel good about yourself XXX

    • Beth
      11 March, 2011 / 11:38 am

      Thank you Not a Notting Hill Mum, I have got a lovely man now who makes me feel so comfortable with my own body I find myself walking around the bedroom naked without thinking about it twice!

      I know, the excuse of being tricked by more than one woman is quite ridiculous…at what point does one take responsibility for one’s contraception?

  7. 11 March, 2011 / 6:49 pm

    You totally have to had a Facebook share button!

    Crystal

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