Look, I’m not saying I’ve given up on love entirely. I’m just saying that when it comes to long-term companionship, emotional support, and not leaving toenail clippings in the sink, my dog wins. Hands down. Paws down. Whatever.
Here’s why a dog is better than a husband:
1. Dogs don’t sulk when you ask them to take the bin out
Because they physically can’t. But they would if they could. And that’s the difference. Dogs don’t passive-aggressively stack empty toilet rolls on the cistern to “make a point”.
2. Dogs are always happy to see you
Come back from the corner shop? DOG ECSTATIC. Come back from a 12-day trip abroad? STILL ECSTATIC. Meanwhile, your husband grunts from the sofa and asks if you picked up the loo roll.
3. You never have to explain your feelings to a dog
Dogs just know. They’re like emotional support in a furry, drooly package. Feeling sad? Boom, head on your lap. Crying in the bath? Hello, soggy-nosed snuggle time. They don’t say things like “You’re being irrational” or “Are you on your period?”
4. Dogs won’t ask if there’s anything else to eat when you serve up dinner
A husband will look at the lovingly prepared chilli you’ve slaved over and say, “Did we have this last week?” A dog will eat it, the bowl, the spoon, and then lick the floor for crumbs. THAT, my friends, is gratitude.
5. Dogs don’t argue over what to watch on Netflix
They’re just happy to be next to you. Husband: “Another murder documentary? Can’t we watch something light for once?” Dog: contentedly snoozes through the whole thing while occasionally farting. Bliss.
6. Dogs are incapable of mansplaining
You will never have a dog interrupt you mid-sentence to explain how the dishwasher works. Or to clarify the ending of a film you’ve just watched together. Dogs know their place: asleep on your feet, not correcting you.
7. Dogs don’t hog the duvet or snore like a tractor
They curl up in a neat little ball and radiate warmth like a living hot water bottle. A husband will sprawl diagonally across the bed, snoring like a pneumatic drill and claiming you “stole the covers” while cocooned like a sausage roll.
8. Dogs don’t buy you ‘funny’ gifts that are really for them
“Oh, look babe! I bought you a new air fryer!” No. Just no. Dogs bring you dead things they find in the garden, and somehow that still feels more heartfelt.
9. Dogs don’t leave their pants on the floor next to the laundry basket
No further explanation needed.
10. Dogs love you unconditionally – even with your dodgy pyjamas and eye cream on
They don’t care if you’ve got a spot, forgot to shave your legs, or spent the evening eating Wotsits out of a mug. They just love you. And honestly, isn’t that the dream?
So yes, while a dog might not be able to reach the top shelf or fix the WiFi (although I’d argue some husbands can’t either), they also don’t expect you to pretend to like their mother or remember the offside rule.
And if that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.
