I absolutely love today’s anonymous contribution to Untold Stories. It’s told with such honesty and candour. ‘It feels so miserable though,’ the contributor said to me, ‘do you want me to make it funnier?’ A few people have asked me this already, as though they’re letting me down, but that’s the point of Untold Stories. Sometimes life doesn’t feel very funny, but we go about our days doing all the things we know we’re meant to do and telling everyone that everything’s fine. And probably it is fine, mostly, and sometimes it’s just enough to know that other people are miserable too. You can read more Untold Stories here.
Written by anon
We’ve all heard it said to the new mother, exhausted from sleepless nights, a traumatised body and feeding, feeding, feeding: “Oh, but it’s all worth it!”
After twenty years of parenting, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the biggest lie of all. But worst of all, it is the lie that we cannot speak out loud because the very people who we have created: our beloved children who we worship and live and breathe for, might overhear. And the biggest terror of all is that they might know that if you had your choices again, you might choose differently. You might not choose them.
Every school report described me as ‘full of potential’. After two decades of parenting, I feel I have squandered it all. It is a source of both shame and regret.
My best friend was childless by choice, but often gives my life sidelong glances of envy. Look at the lovely children, gathered around the table, laughing gaily: a real-life Ladybird book of The Family! But she looks mainly by social media, because I am too exhausted to visit her in London, too scared of the tasks piling up in my absence, too lacking in confidence around her highly-paid and highly-made-up friends to join in the way I used to.
I remember the first time I visited my old university friends with my newborn, nearly twenty years ago; a disastrous visit into London from the west-country, where my new life of motherhood seemed as baffling and inconceivable to them as though I had opted to join a nunnery. I thought I could hide it all: the baby’s cries, my on-call breasts, my newly-wrecked body and career. It all felt such a thing of horror.
Very clearly I can remember a process of grieving, before coming to terms with my new life: “Never mind, in twenty years we can reconnect: I can get back here.”
Twenty years have passed. Their lives have been successful: big houses, big cities and big reputations. Professorships awarded, novels published, a world traveled and conquered: potential fulfilled.
Instead I have three children. Is this a great achievement? Should I have considered this as one of the options for fulfilling my potential? It wasn’t what I had in mind, but who can speak the truth? I have lots of wonderful friends who are also mothers: indeed, I am surrounded by brilliant, clever, funny women whose energy and lives have been sucked into the slow drain of parenthood.
Having spent twenty years parenting, I am physically, emotionally and financially exhausted. I am in no mood to hop on a train to London to visit my old friends: I barely have the energy to write their Christmas cards. (And older women assure me that I am about to enter the menopause years, so I probably need to wait another twenty years or so before I’m physically enthusiastic about life again. Apparently women’s happiness is lowest at 47 and peaks at 73.)
It feels as though I have squandered my best years and I am not sure what is ahead – but it feels that it might be solid sandals and aqua-aerobics, or complicated crafting techniques for home-made cards. Sometimes I yearn for something more, to feel there is still something I might achieve, but mainly I want to just sit down, read a book, and accept slippers and defeat.
Who dares confess that maybe the life of a mother is not really worth it? Who might tell young women (because let’s face it, they are still the ones taking on the wife-work and the parenting) that they have potential, but probably not potential to have a family and fulfilment elsewhere? That they really need to make the choice?
One day I might say it out loud, but very quietly: after all, what if the children heard?
……
If this post resonates with you, or you want to show your support for today’s contribution, please leave a comment below. (This can be done anonymously too if you want to use fake details, that’s totally fine.) If you’d like to contribute your own thoughts or story then please get in touch.
It resonates with me a lot-not so much having the kids, but starting as early as I did. Had our first 10 years of parenting not been so financially grueling, We would have done more travelling when younger, taken more risks career wise, just maybe taken the time to be who we could be and not just who I ended up being by default.
On another note-did I miss something? I thought you had Bea and Belle-who is child three? “Instead I have three children.”
Author
I didn’t actually write this Sam, hence the number of children! This new feature is all about other people’s stories, shared anonymously, so this was written by someone else. (If you have anything you’d like to share then let me know!)
I know what you mean about the starting young. On the one hand I think there are a lot of benefits – I didn’t feel that wrench for example of having to give up a well established career, or a very independent lifestyle, which I think must be hard for older parents. On the other hand though, like you, I didn’t feel able to take a lot of risk or to invest a lot of time and energy into building a career at what would normally be a really key time, and that has definitely held me back financially from being able to do things like buy a house when I would want to.
Call me a little slow! Nice segment, and now I can follow better.
Author
I did wonder if people would think it! I tried to make it clear but it’s a personal blog so people expect personal stories – you’re not being slow!
Interesting piece and I can definitely empathise with some of what is being said. But would I do things differently if I could? I’m not fussed for the material things; my sanity would be great though!
Author
Sanity would be nice wouldn’t it?! I can really empathise with the idea of feeling emotionally exhausted. There’s this myth that kids get easier the older the get and I just don’t think that’s true. Physically they may be less demanding but they take up so much space in your head, it can be hard to have any energy left over for anything or anyone else.
I’m loving the untold stories! My kids are everything to me but i can understand where this person is coming from… my situation was when I was properly in the workplace before I was one of the youngest – then after a break to raise a family – when I re-entered the workplace I was one of the oldest and it made me wonder where those years in between had gone and how I could now be ‘old’!!! There is definitely compromise involve and I feel I compromised my career for my family and kids but then again I’d make the same choice again if i had my time again. Can’t wait to read the next untold story! x
Author
I’m so glad you’re enjoying them Rebecca! I can definitely relate to that ‘how did I get old?’ feeling. It occurred to me in fact this week that by the end of this year I won’t have any ‘children’ any more – only adult children!! There is SO much compromise as a parent, there has to be plenty of reward to make it feel worth it – I guess that balance can be easily tipped. I have a question – do you feel that you’ve had to compromise more as a mother particularly? I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this, and whether it’s easier for men than for women to pursue other aspects of their life at the same time as being parents.
Wow, it is refreshing to know that you are not the only one who wouldn’t go through it all again, under any circumstances. I know that I wouldn’t and neither would some others that I know. It’s a pretty taboo subject!
None of us should be ashamed to admit that children aren’t all they are cracked up to be. The sentence which particularly resonated was ‘I am physically, emotionally and financially exhausted’.
Having children isn’t a right and isn’t to be taken lightly, the pressures that come with it are enormous and let’s face it unless you have good family/friend support you aren’t going out for the next 20 years either.
How many of us can say, ‘They turned out exactly as I expected?’ They usually don’t. External pressures (such as schools and school ‘friends’) take over and they become their own people and as they grow both upwards and away from you, you realise that you wish you hadn’t had them at all.
Author
Thanks so much for your comment (not really) Daisy! It’s so interesting to hear from other parents who feel the same, and not just you but other people you know too. I don’t imagine many of us at all could say our kids have turned out exactly as we expected, and I wonder if that’s why sometimes, as they get older, it can feel like it’s getting harder rather than easier? When they’re little they feel more a part of us and it’s easier to support them and change their moods. When they’re older they become separate people and we lose the ability to cheer them up with a packet of chocolate buttons and a cuddle and that’s a difficult thing.
It’s true isn’t it? You do the parenting thing then go through the menopause, it’s a constant battle, and the childrening thing doesn’t always end at 18/20, they have children and you’re babysitting, and then there’s the support when they’re going through hell coz the other half is a shit (ok, personal but happens a lot)
I wouldn’t change a thing, but I get that others would. It must be quite nice to sail through life unchanged, lol
Author
Parenting then menopause, it IS a bit relentless isn’t it? I think that’s the word I’ve felt a lot over the last few years – relentless. I don’t know if that’s amplified because of being a single parent maybe? Sometimes I just want someone else to swoop in and make all the decisions for a change.
Yes but at least being a single Mum you get to make all the choices – no arguments!!!! lol x
Author
That’s very true!
Such a great series Jo! I will say that my kids have given me direction and purpose in life. Not because I feel I have to or because I feel guilty. It’s just the truth. That being said, they have aged me so much. And it never even crossed my mind how hard it would be to raise them without the so-called ‘village’. My husband and I have very little fun. We’re tired and broke. And I’m very resentful at times. But we are incredibly close as a family unit. And there is something wonderful in that. Would I do it again? Definitely. Do I understand the choice not to have kids? Absolutely! I’m obviously a sucker for punishment.
Author
I think you’re totally right about how they age you – it can feel like they sap your energy and leave you feeling so tired and exhausted. I love tha for you that feeling of closeness balances out the resentment!
A great read. We need to talk about this issue more. From a feminist perspective we need to fully embrace womens choices, its just that the perceived choices from a few years back werent really choices at all. It seemed to be 1. Have no kids, be carefree, spend money as you please, travel, choose any career have fab social life etc or 2. Have kids, forget career options, wear comfy clothes, put yourself last, spend days in smelly soft play centres etc. So women tried to do ‘2’ but keep up the stuff from ‘1’ mainly due to the pressure of society’s revised expectation of working mothers (dreadful phrase) and structural inequality faced disproportionately by women……crap maternity pay, expensive childcare, employee rights and so on. There have been improvements in these areas such as shared parental leave and hopefully now more than ever it is possible to strike a balance in maintaining career progression, personal development (sanity) while raising relatively well rounded little people. In saying all of that I’m hugely supportive of more women than ever being able to say they don’t want/won’t be having children because they want their independence, they dont want the responsibility or pressure or… frankly just BECAUSE. Thats exactly what men can do. I’ll be happily cheering those women on, and just because I’ve chosen a different path I feel no jealousy or anything else. I’m sure they don’t either!
Author
All really good points Jen – we’ve created this idea of women being able to ‘have it all’, to the point where perhaps you feel like you’re failing if you DON’T have it all? Despite all the progress we’ve made, parenting and domestic life feel, for me, like one area where there is still massive gender inequality in terms of expectations, burden of labour and the mental load.
Women cannot Have it all. They are just DOING it all. That’s why they are so exhausted.
As someone who is child free I definitely think people should be more honest about, but understand why it’s so hard. At the moment though parenthood still feels like an opt out kind of thing, and like opting out is a big deal, when actually actively deciding to have children should be the big decision.
A personal point though too slightly off topic – it shouldn’t be about a choice between children and career. You can not want children and have a normal office job, work in a shop, flit about between jobs… Whatever. We’re not all professor and authors who look glamorous and have big reputations (she says while sitting in pyjamas at 6pm after a day in a very normal marketing job.) It’s not just about career success, it’s about just not wanting that.
Author
Two really good points Katty – it does feel bizarre sometimes that HAVING kids is considered the default, like you’re the odd one if you choose not to, when actually you’re right, choosing to have them is a MASSIVE decision and one that a lot of us take too lightly I’m sure. I love your second point too because I think there is this stereotype of the ‘career woman’ who is only choosing not to have children because she’s so busy and important whereas you’re completely right, whether or not you have children you might be perfectly happy in a ‘normal’ job, enjoying your evenings in pyjamas without the stress of work. I certainly don’t have ambitions of working all hours in some high profile job and I don’t imagine that would have been any different if I hadn’t had children!
Just reading this article now. The choice to have/not have children has caused me a lot of upset and grief as neither feel like a valid option for me (very long story). Couldn’t agree more with what you say Katty, and I do believe for women, it is much much harder as there is a societal expectation to have them.
I’m not sure that women can have it all. Guilt is there regardless. Guilt if you have kids and stay at home with them, guilt if you have kids and go to work, guilt if you chose not to even have kids? Is there a happy medium??!
I had my daughter when I was 23 ( have no idea if that’s young or not these days?!) but life has taken me on a different path, meaning I’m incredibly thankful I had her when I did.
I feel like women are under a particular kind of spotlight these days, the pressure is immense, I think maybe my potential drifted by me some years ago, but was she worth it? Yes absolutely.
Author
Ah, good old guilt, is it possible to parent without it? If anything I feel like I’ve experienced MORE guilt as my kids have got older – perhaps it comes with age? Or perhaps I’ve just made the past a rosier version of itself.
Thank you anon for your candid and heartfelt post and thank you Jo for the platform.
I have always felt that, despite overwhelming love for our children, the price (for the want of a better word) of having them is too high for some – and that includes the physical process of giving birth. There were too few facts and too many euphemisms to make an informed choice and many were probably too young to do so, anyway.
I, too, am envious of the comfortable lifestyle and freedoms of choice that those without children have. However, their lives are missing one key element that children bring: the fulfilment of being part of a family unit.
Unfortunately, we can never know how life would have treated us had we taken another path so I try not to spend too much time wondering.
Author
I think that’s the key Susan, that you just don’t know what your life might have been like on another path. I’m with you in that I try not to have regrets or think about what might have been.
Ahhh hun. Childfree people have family too…
Just because you have children, doesn’t mean your family stays as a”unit.” You never know what your children are going to grow up to become, despite all your efforts and attempts. I know several families that are estranged. I have been a single mom and with a partner – double-edged sword. When you’re alone, it’s exhausting and you’re poor. When you’re with a partner, it’s fighting and resentment, because not everyone is carrying 100%.
Decades ago, Dear Ann Landers received a letter from a mother who expressed regret about having children. I don’t remember her exact reply, but as I recall the sentiment took her aback. Landers then put the question to her readers. As I recall, 70% of her readers claimed that if they had to do it over, they wouldn’t have had children.
Raising children will be the most difficult and stressful job you will ever do in your life. I have two children – one with ADHD and learning disabilities, the other with depression/anxiety that became suicidal during his teenage years. They are 33 and 26 years old now. There is no doubt that I feel I gave up the life I could have had by getting married and having children; but now seeing the wonderful men that they’ve become, I really can’t say that I regret it. That being said, however, if I were a young woman today, I would have to think VERY long and VERY hard about having children.
Author
Wow, that’s an amazing anecdote about Dear Ann Landers – what a huge number to say they’d do it differently! I think regret is such a difficult emotion, and it doesn’t make a difference, you can’t change the past after all. It sounds like you’ve made massive sacrifices along the way so it’s good to hear that perhaps you’ve come out the other side a little bit. I find parenting teenagers and young adults really tough and it gives me hope to hear from people who can be a bit more reflective now that their children are grown up.
I understand where the author is coming from. I suffered with HG and had a horrendous pregnancy & birth. I still haven’t recovered from all of the HG effects ten years on. Plus my child is wild with neuro behavioural issues and life is a constant battle to keep him in school and keep him safe. I admit this was not the child rearing experience I was expecting. I look back on my previous life of travelling, social experiences and the ability to earn a decent living, all things I cannot do now. I love my child dearly but often think ‘was it worth it?’
Oh my goodness. I have HG now (in second trimester) and resent being pregnant so much. Thanks for sharing your experience! Enlightening.
I think the biggest things for parents / mums / stay at home parents is the amount of sacrifice that you weren’t aware of at the beginning.
You loose your own life, dont see friends as often, no money for anything fun because you have to pay £100s for their school lunches, trips out, uniform etc and that’s just primary school. You can’t go out till they’re asleep, as the husband is useless at home. I feel as if I have literally given up my lifelong dreams of travel and a fantastic career to have children and as wonderful as they are and how I wouldn’t change them in any way, I sure do wish I had a load more money so I could afford childcare , and get myself some new trainers without feeling like …. actually the kids need new trainers, so I guess I’ll keep wearing mine until they are actually broken.
My friends who are childless have the most amazing holidays exploring the jungles, visiting volcanoes and travelling around on those minimum of £2000 per person holidays and I’m stuck in a fuckin caravan with horrible hard british rain lol !!! They even have cleaners….. why I say, they’re houses are untouched.
So yes, I love my kids but I sure wish there was more money involved.
Author
I totally agree, the financial side of it is HARD and as much as people say that money doesn’t buy you happiness it can definitely bring you freedom and choices. Not having a lot of money is restrictive at the best of times and children definitely drain your finances. It’s hard NOT to feel resentful of that, especially when most of the time they don’t even appreciate the sacrifices you’re continually making for them.
Lol …. Yes !!!! All those broken toys, or toys they play with once and never touch. All those school items that disappear into thin air. All those lost ‘gifts’ that just Have to be bought again, so the grandparents dont get mad at them. I’ve had to ‘repeat buy’ so much lately.
Thank goodness for love, cuddles and kisses !!!
My little darlings are 17 and 19
QUESTION Where was the fun part?
ANSWER One week’s family holiday in Jersey when they were 10 and 12.
The years of toddler tantrums had finished (I classify toddlers as children aged 2-9) and the teenage trauma years had not yet started. This holiday was swiftly followed by teen anxiety and school refusing which resulted in six years of home education (for the one which would co-operate). The oldest one is now on a gap year and the youngest one “goes” to college three days a week. I am working part time so that I can spend time with them and they (sadly not exaggerating) SLEEP ALL DAY.
Author
Oh Sasha, I feel your pain, I totally do. It’s such a myth that they grow up and it gets easier.
I read in a scientific journal article that counties with more generous family policies reported that parents actually experienced an increase in happiness when they had children, unlike the oft-reported decrease that parents experience in the US and UK. Obviously this means that when you have help, children can be a gift.
But the same article also noted those counties with better childcare packages also had LOWER birth rates than the US and UK. Sounds like a paradox, right? Well, the article supposed that the reason behind this was that the people in supportive countries basically self-selected. As in – people who really wanted children, had them, felt supported in raising them, and those who did not, didn’t – and we’re also supported in that choice. People were given choice and felt happy with their decisions.
Where I live in the UK it feels like there is such pressure to have the ‘perfect life’. I myself am an academic, and have a high pressure university job but I still feel a sort of pressure to have IT ALL. So to have an amazing wedding and kids and it ALL. Even though I don’t want them, the pressure exists. It feels like EVERYONE has to do EVERYTHING and be perfect. Anything else, and you have basically failed.
I myself am choosing to remain childfree but understand that in that choice, there is the loss of that other dream of family. When you have a family, you lose what I have chosen for my own life – freedom and self-actualisation. There is no escaping loss – i think the most harmful lie of all is that you don’t have to choose. You can’t have everything you want a la Sheryl Sandburg.
No thanks. I’d rather give myself a break.
This was a fascinating read, thanks for sharing. I am a 38 yo male living in California. Been happily married 5 yrs and have a 2 yo daughter whom I love dearly. I actually went from not wanting kids at all to having one so far – purely because my wife absolutely wanted kids and I would’ve lost her if I chose not to have any. However, once I embraced it as a lifelong project / experience I could share with my wife, I began to see it as a very rewarding thing and have no regrets. Now comes the inevitable question…should we have another?
I am extremely hesitant, while my wife has grown to really want another. She has several reasons – wanting to properly enjoy the newborn phase (the first few months with the first one were pretty rough for us), wanting to share love with more children, and the biggest one, wanting our kid to have a sibling relationship which she believes is incredibly powerful and valuable. I, on the other hand, am perfectly content and happy with our one child and can genuinely see myself being that way for the rest of my life. It seems that sibling relationships can fall on a wide range of spectrum from amazing to dysfunctional, based on at factors that may fall outside of your control, so that value carries less weight for me. And while we both have stable, well paying jobs, it’s not well enough for us to have no financial considerations and trade offs. This makes me think that there will be MANY guaranteed costs, with little guaranteed benefits, of having another child.
All this to say, I’m wondering what folks feel about the added benefits of having two children – am I missing something here? Is the incremental value more than double what you might get from one child? All articles I’ve read on life with two kids focus on the first couple of yrs, which is actually less of a concern for me (I’d fully expect it to be a shitshow 24/7) – but what do I not know about the life with two kids (or one kid) over the parent’s lifetime? If it doesn’t get easier as children age, what are all the good things that help counter things? Welcome any (brutally honest) thoughts!!
Hi James, I always knew I wanted children. In fact, if we could have afforded for me not to work I would have liked 5. In the end I had 2 because we both wanted more than one. But I did worry that I might not have enough love left for the second one – which was complete BS because your love actually grows. And strangely enough I love them differently. Not more than or less than, but just differently because of their personalities. And I’m so glad I had both of them as my boys are very close (they’re adults now). I come from a large family (I’m number 7) and we were all close so if you get that it’s heaven, and you’ve always got someone fighting your corner. If you come from a fractious family you might not feel that way. Good luck, whichever option you choose.
I have two boys, 5yrs and 3yrs and I think having two children is a lot harder than having one. I think you need a lot of energy and patience!
I wouldn’t chance having two for the world it is lovely seeing my two boys playing together, holding hands and helping each other, it is truly wonderful to see. But it isn’t always like that!!! They have an awful lot of arguments and fights too!
My wish is for them to grow together and have a lifelong friend in each other, that’s why we chose to have more than one.
I have 3 kids (9,7,5) and I 100% recommend having more than 1 child. The big, life changing decision, the one described in the article that makes your life take a different path, is moving from zero to one child. Once you have made that move, I definitely think it is better fpr everyone involved, but particularly the child, to have a sibling. A sibling adds life, and fun to everything- they are their own little gang, with obscure games (you would be amazed how children together can make a game out of anything), rituals, conversations. How many times have I seen only children at parks or restaurants looking enviously at groups of siblings, and try and join in. Also, my best friends at school were both only children, and now they are grown up and their own parents are older, it is very hard. One wanted to move to New Zealand but didn’t, as she would have been leaving her elderly parents alone on a different continent – an ongoing source of latent regret for her. And the other lost both her parents in her early thirties. She is single, and has no children – and is now 100% alone in the world, which is also hard to bear.
Author
This is really interesting Nicky and a whole other blog post in itself! There is definitely a special relationship between siblings – my sister is one of the people who I know and love the best in the whole world and I’m sure my life would have turned out very differently without her.
I would not recommend having another one. Having a child in today’s world isn’t the easiest job, all considered, it is absolutely a nightmare. It is all great when they are young then teen aging years commence, peer pressure, social media etc. The one child can have friends and relatives growing up together. Remember having a second child doesn’t guarantee they will get on well plus trust me, siblings silly arguments after a whole week of routine (work, cooking, laundering etc) can consume even the most calm person… which would in turn easily cause damage to your relationship with your wife ( due to how snappy, on edge and tired you may get).
I’d suggest having none but if you choose to have, one is enough. You would get the full benefit of parenthood with one.
I have 4 kids (was married for 18 years had them all with my ex), am very successful professionally, happily married for the second time. I’d rather go for having puppies. I love abs die for my kids though don’t get me wrong x
I regret becoming a mother, I am permanently exhausted and I’m often told my kids are great and they are but…. my husband nagged and badgered me into having them and I was too weak and insecure to stick to my guns. I foolishly believed that he would be an equal partner but that did not happen. 8 years after the divorce he now sees the kids for one meal a month. I’m now counting down till the youngest goes to college and I’m free. I do love them but I grieve for me.
Author
That last sentence is so powerful Sarah – ‘I grieve for me’ – I totally relate to this and I’m sure a lot of people would, however much they love their children and may or may not regret the decision to have them. The lost sense of self, the thought of those years gone by and what might have been and who you could have been, it’s really sad.
Mmm a bit mixed reaction…i can absolutely relate to this lady’s feeling of ‘underachievement’. I too feel I squandered my early years. Don’t get me wrong, I followed a career in the public sector, however was it what I really wanted to do? No! I kind of fell into it. Could I have been something else? Absolutely! Did I have the opportunity? Yes! I can’t help but think that if this lady didn’t achieve her potential when she had the opportunity, then that’s her Failing. She chose to have children and 3 at that, nobody forced her. She has clearly reached a stage of exhaustion and at a low and I can definitely sympathise with that, but to blame her unfulfilled potential on parenthood???? That’s a cop out and if she is letting her children know that, she should be ashamed as that would tear them apart inside, thinking they weren’t ‘Worth it’!
I feel the lesson to be learned is not that parenthood isn’t worth it, but maybe to push yourself harder to fulfil that potential When you have the opportunity. Children will inevitably change you’re outlook and lifestyle and if you’re not aware of that beforehand then I’m afraid you’re a little naive. That said, if you ‘REALLY’ want something you’ll achieve it kids or no kids!!
A really interesting read for me at the moment, I seem to have done this in reverse..
I wasn’t interested in having children and chose to focus on my career -until my late 20’s came along and my ovaries started screaming at me! I met the love of my life, we married and a year later we were expecting twins (yes that was a shock -I’d only signed up for one!) I had a delightful pregnancy, worked right up until my employer literally made me go on maternity leave and once they were born, I was hit with a big dose of post natal depression which I did not see coming and hid from everyone because I was the woman who ‘could do it all’ and these things did not apply to me!
I went back to work full time when the twins were one after agonising for that whole year about whether it was the right thing to do, my husband stayed at home with them and I worked all the hours under the sun to provide a nice life for our family. I did this for 6 years, yes I had the career but I missed out on school runs, school plays, sports days, play dates and kids birthday parties, I missed out on getting to know my children and when I was at home, I was exhausted, impatient and short tempered. When COVID hit, I started working from home, my work was so stressful I had to shut myself away for hours day and night from my family just to keep up (which still wasn’t enough) my now 7 year olds resulted to passing notes under my door begging me to ‘please stop working and come and play’ it was miserable. I eventually snapped and quit my job, throwing away my career with it, I spent some time afterwards feeling really bloody angry because of this promise that ‘women can have it all’ I’d tried so hard and felt like I’d failed in all areas. I’ve now got the time to pour myself in to getting to know my twins, I’m learning how to be their mother and keep a home, it is not what I had planned but my god, is it amazing! I’m just now finding out how rewarding the role of a mother is, I appreciate every minute because I know what’s on the other side of this coin! My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner…
Author
This is so interesting because although you’ve taken a very different route, it feels like it boils down to the same thing – this story we are fed about women being able to ‘have it all’. As your story proves, we just can’t. I’m so pleased you’ve found some happiness!
As a single mum and having my baby at 40, I have to say that I agree also with the statement of “there is joy and there is hell”! Feeling that you could have another life if you had no kids it does not make you a worst or better mother. It makes you realistic and honest to yourself. Of course you do not want your child to hear this. No one would feel special with this comment! But i miss my life the way it was before! I miss my profession, the one I am unable to do because I have the sole responsibility of another human been. I was free, living in different countries and fulfilling my professional life until someone decided that I will be the only one responsible in this trip! I love my son but I love my life before he came to exist! And I do not feel bad or feel less of me as a mother because of that!
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Thanks for your comment Pam! I found it really interesting as I often wonder about how the age that you become a parent impacts this feeling. Because I was only 17 when I became a mum I never really had that feeling of having a sacrifice a massive amount of independence, because I hadn’t had chance to create a life for myself in the first place! I’ve always imagined it would be much harder to be older and to feel like you’ve given up so much, to look back on your independent adult life and know you’ve had to leave it behind.
I wonder how many men also feel as though they have to “make a choice”. My dad had children and a career, and hobbies. My mum was left to do all the child rearing etc.
A part of this is the sexism that still exists in society. If we expected as much from a dad as we did from a mum, maybe the mother wouldn’t have to sacrifice all of it.
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My guess is far, far fewer Heather! It’s not ALL MEN, just like it’s not all women, but I’m sure this isn’t as common a feeling for men. I know a few women who say they’d love to have kids, but only if they can be the dad!
Completely agree!!!! It is sad that we have been to the moon, but the roles on who can still have a life and who does not, while sharing a responsibility, still the same as 5000 years ago! But many women allow this unfair treatment to happen and society still as bad as the patriarchal society wants it to be. When I hear women saying that “you should fell lucky he gives you £20 a month for your child” to another woman, my hope for change dies instantly. We go to jail for not paying taxes, but a man that does not share the responsibility of raising a child, has no consequences. And life goes on, and women are still slaves of this society and their own believes.
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Pam this is such a good point about responsibility! Why is it that a person’s responsibility to the government is taken so much more seriously than the responsibility to actual human beings they have bought into the world??
This is such an interesting article. I am approaching 40 and don’t yet have kids (or a potential parenting partner in sight) and although I have always imagined I would have kids, (I LOVE kids!), strangely I don’t feel any of the panic of the clock ticking that everyone always talks about. Having now watched almost all my female – and male!- have kids, and seen the reality up close, I feel like I know two things quite clearly. Kids are absolutely the most incredible creatures from the moment they are born and watching them grow up is an absolute and sheer delight. I know this as I am besotted with many of my friends kids and now I spending a year abroad while my two goddaughters are 3 and 6 respectively, I actively ache when I see how much they are changing and how much of the cute moments I am missing. All of that said, I also see firsthand how all consuming parenting is, and consuming as woman seems to be the operative word. My female friends constantly feel overstretched, underslept, unappreciated and that the workload – no matter how enlightened or well-meaning their partner is – is never quite balanced. They never have a second to themselves, to the point where one friend confessed to me that although she knows her daughters are incredible, she feels so tired and overstretched and stressed all the time that she can’t even enjoy it, and all the while they are growing older. “I feel like I’m so tired I’m missing it all” she once said. For me, I guess what this has given me is a sense that whichever path life takes you down, their are things you gain and things you lose. The freedom I have as a single, child free adult is something I know for a fact my friends with children gaze at longingly, even as they’re telling me “you must have kids it’s the best thing ever”. However I also know that at times, when I am curled up on a sofa alone, I would give anything for a snuggle with one of my nieces. I guess what I realise is both having children, and not having children, has its blessings and it’s challenges. Neither is perfect. Each costs you something. But I think in the end the important thing is to make the most of whichever you have (freedom or children) and realise that the two are kind of mutually exclusive, but each in their own ways, wonderful. I must say that I think being close to other people’s children and playing an active role in their life, sometimes feels like the best of all worlds – you get to experience maybe 80% of the love, affection and wonder parents feel, for about 5% (maybe 1%?!) of the input and at not cost to your sanity or life goals…. so if I don’t end up having kids myself (which, if the opportunity comes along, I still plan to), I will totally relish being a significant figure in the lives of my friends kids – and hopefully ease the burden on them a little too in the process – and happily take that as a valuable substitute. Having kids really should be a village affair, and maybe the problem is not having kids, but the idea that we all need to have our OWN kids, instead of sharing them with our tribe!
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Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment and I totally agree with you. It’s like so many things in life, it’s never black and white, there will always be pros and cons to any decision, and making the most of it is all you can do. I think you’re right about being that significant person too – that can bring so much of the joy without the compromise on your own freedom.
I’ve never had a maternal instinct or the desire to cater to another’s needs 24/7. And while many women who say they don’t want children because they have so much they would like to accomplish, I have so much I would NOT like to accomplish. Meaning- I don’t want to be tied down to plans. I want to check out and read, and not have too much waiting for me. Kids become constant plans and obligations. I admire self-sacraficing people, but motherhood isn’t for me. Hopefully I’ll find a partner that shares my feelings on this.
Totally understand this view! I think I’d probably still choose to have children – and I’m lucky that my partner does more of the ‘mum’ role so I have got a career I’m happy in – but I also know how much more I could be achieving if I didn’t have the drain on my time and mental energy that the children bring.
I am late to see this article. Perhaps, because of my age, I can lend a different perspective. I know I can. I am 70 and my two children are 32 and 37. I had my career and gladly jump out it because of mom guilt. As overworked positions of working mom/ breadwinner. I not only had my first child while working, but also underwrote my husband’s career. Once he was on steady ground of what turned out to be an amazing celebrity CEO career – I was now free to quit work and stay home to have my second child. I took the full responsibility of raising them and running our homes, with help of a nanny and housekeeper. The marriage turned out to not be a success – over 50% do not. Hey, I was now over 40 and there was plenty of girls out there. My husband was not really part of our little family, to be truthful he was a covert narcissist who gaslights me and left us. There was no choice, but me to tow it alone and raise our boys. They, like me had a form of dyslexia. There were tutors and special schools. They succeeded, So, my children inherited my dyslexia and one of them inherited their father’s NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Hey – you can divorce your NPD husband – but you cannot divorce your adult child. So, was it all worth it? Yes, I loved my career, I loved even more being a stay at home mother. Did I know that my one son would grow into a version of the man I divorced? Would I be able to to do something about it? NO and NO. So that is why you find me here on this page at age 70 dealing with a 32 year old child who gaslights, lies, is entitled and manipulates not just me – but everyone around him – just like his father. This is where I seriously question – if I knew this – would I have done it all? Unfortunately, we do not marry to get divorced. We do not have children to later not like them. But we cannot foresee – nor can we cherry pick our situations. As of now – I do wish that I could divorce my NPD son. You bet I wish.
I used to work in an old folks home. Each little room was festooned with endless photos of children and family. The majority of which, never visited or bothered with them, but showed up immediately they died to claim their assets! Kids………don’t bother!
Yes i agree with you. I devoted myself 100% to being the best mum. The kids always came first. I stayed at home to be there for them full-time, and nothing was too much trouble for me to make them happy. Fast forward to them as adults. I have no super, no savings, as everything i made went towards their care. I have developed a disease so unable to earn money now, but neither of my successful kids help me with a dollar. One of them moved to the other side of the world to study and then stay and live. Im lucky to hear from him every couple of months only. I had always imagined, because i was such a good mum, that they would both want to live near me forever. The other kid is too focused on her fun to have any time for me, other than the odd visit of about half an hour.