The Apprentice episode one – 11 reasons why I couldn’t be a contestant

I’ve been looking forward to The Apprentice for weeks now, if not months. It’s one of the only programmes, apart from the Great British Bake Off obviously, that I actually watch live.

The Apprentice

I don’t know what it is about The Apprentice, but it’s compulsive viewing for me. As much as I love watching it though, I could never actually be an Apprentice contestant. Having just watched the first episode, I came up with 11 reasons why not.

  1. I do not ‘dance the dance.’ That’s not to say I don’t dance a dance, but it’s definitely not the dance. It’s more of a sort of twitch or fit of some kind.
  2. I don’t give myself 9 out of 10 for attractiveness. 6.8 at best. 7.6 maybe after a few sambucas.
  3. Owning a four year old Toyota would not be the stuff of nightmares for me.
  4. I do not see myself as a cross between Gandhi and the Wolf of Wall Street. Perhaps more Judy Finnigan meets Edina from Ab Fab.
  5. I could not pull off white loafers, no socks and a blue suit. (To be fair, no one can.)
  6. I could not sell ice to the Eskimos, nor would I want to.
  7. I don’t speak about myself in the 3rd person.
  8. I don’t believe that my success depends on the length of my skirt. ‘Making sure I have some nice make-up and heels’ isn’t top of my list when heading out to a meeting.
  9. I know that a man in a cheap hotdog costume does not equal ‘gourmet’.
  10. I barely spend any time at all thinking about how much cheese I need.
  11. I have an IQ higher than 92.

Are you a fan of The Apprentice? Would you ever apply to be a contestant? 



  1. 15 October, 2014 / 10:07 am

    I can’t watch it anymore. The season with Louisa Zissman finished me off – the one where all the women suddenly started dressing like zombie power-glamour weirdos. Plus, anything where they have to present their ideas to customers makes me want to turn inside out with mortification.

  2. 15 October, 2014 / 10:14 am

    Oh my gosh, I thought of this last night. It wasn’t so bad in the first few years when he was Sir Alan and people went on there to be and do their very best. These days there is too much backbiting. Couldn’t go on a show like that

  3. 15 October, 2014 / 10:28 am

    haha love this!! I think the last one I watched was where they changed the format and they had to come up with a business idea? It was good at the beginning although I”m sure I would hate every single person that’s ever been on there in real life. I wonder if they actually mean those things. I could not ever ‘dance the dance’ either x

  4. 15 October, 2014 / 12:52 pm

    Brilliant! I’m also a MASSIVE apprentice fan. I love the absurdity of the contestants! For now I have decided to love and adore Steven for being a brilliant drama queen and lord high master of strop throwing. I could never do it… although sometimes the part of me that’s screaming “Nooooo you doofus! Do that!” Would kinda like too. Sssshhhhh.

  5. 15 October, 2014 / 2:28 pm

    I love The Apprentice it is top class entertainment with the women usually letting us down with their cringing behaviour and it seems the men usually not that far behind! Ganging up on the poor ‘irritant’ who is obviously only on there for us, the viewers benefit!

    Nick’s looks usually say everything I am thinking, so could go on there? Well I never be fired because 10 minutes with that lot and I would need to walk out!

  6. 15 October, 2014 / 3:40 pm

    I love it – I am a PM at work , so from my perspective its what NOT to do! I just think its fabulous how awful people can be. Friends one minute, enemies the next. Great TV. Its a love hate with the apprentice!

    Sarah really wound me up last night. Making people wear heels and makeup! How sexist and rude. Also, if those ladies wore flatter shoes they may have been able to run faster and sell more :) haha x

  7. 15 October, 2014 / 6:09 pm

    I love The Apprentice. I love watching them crash and burn, none of them seem to have any clue to what goes on in the ‘real world’.
    I wouldn’t apply – I’m too old, too fat and too down to earth to compete with the ‘I love me, who do you love’ brigade.
    I would like to see Alan Sugar plant ‘ a normal Joe’ in among them to see if someone who really knows the ‘real world’ would really do any better.

  8. 15 October, 2014 / 7:53 pm

    Ha ha, brill! It was good wasn’t though!? Looking forward to tonight’s episode which is definitely making up for the loss of Bake Off xx

  9. 15 October, 2014 / 8:20 pm

    haha… great post ;) I’ve never actually watched the apprentice!

  10. 16 October, 2014 / 10:37 am

    I don’t watch The Apprentice really, but whenever I do, they always seem to be saying or doing something ridiculous that makes me cringe massively! I couldn’t go on it though, I’d collapse under the pressure!

  11. 16 October, 2014 / 5:39 pm

    Haha brilliant! I have no idea where they find the people that go on The Apprentice!! I need to watch the second one still, I do love it though x

  12. 17 October, 2014 / 1:04 pm

    Yes yes yes!! I love the Apprentice and I’m so pleased it’s back…for me it signifies cosy days indoors with great tv. Perfect!

  13. 18 October, 2014 / 11:10 pm

    This is brill! I’ve not started watching it yet bit have just got hooked on million dollar listing NYC oh so good x

  14. 19 October, 2014 / 3:35 pm

    Haha I love this post, so well written and really made me smile – I agree with everything – I would never rate my own attractiveness – in doing that I think it makes you less attractive

    Laura x

  15. 22 October, 2014 / 4:52 pm

    I hate the woman using their ‘sex appeal’ where are we back in the flipping fifties. Do love Lord Sugar though

  16. Anne Wallwin
    28 October, 2014 / 9:45 pm

    the way they talk into the mobiles kills me!

  17. 29 October, 2014 / 3:57 pm

    I used to love it, but the format is now tired, the tasks tedious and the contestants are being chosen for their ability to shock and anger over anything else.

    I used to find it interesting, watching how others tackled business problems, but the show has turned into a bit of a caricature of itself and really does need to revise the tasks and how it chooses those who are on it, so it actually gives the viewer something vaguely intelligent back.

    If I wanted dumb reality TV I’d watch Big Brother, and The Apprentice used to manage to offer some value and rise above being pure dumb entertainment – it has sadly deteriorated to such a point now though that I am just sick to death of women in business being portrayed as bitchy, image obsessed and incompetent and men being portrayed as arrogant, image obsessed and incompetent.

  18. 19 November, 2014 / 11:45 am

    I agree with your post on The Apprentice – and I don’t want to hear people are ‘passionate’ and will give their 110% and all the rest of the cliches. The first few series were the best mix of entertainment and contestants were more genuine. The show has become a parody of itself and the contestants are caricatures of contestants past. This show is likely losing viewers because viewers only interested in dumb reality shows won’t watch it anyway and the ones interested in watching something intelligent, now find it full of embarrassing characters.

    The worst character of all was probably Luisa Suisman – can’t remember her name – no manners, most awful whiny voice that I wouldn’t want to hire her just for that reason, very high opinion of herself, inappropriately dressed and I could go on…

    Love your blog…

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