I understand that the cool thing to do is pretend you’re not interested in your blog stats, that you never even bother to check how many people read it, and that you write purely as some kind of irrepressible creative outlet.
If I just wanted a creative outlet I’d just scribble in a notebook and hide it under my mattress, or sculpt things out of old toilet rolls. I write because I want people to read it, and to laugh, or at least smirk a bit, and so I’m always interested to see who’s reading and where they come from.
One of the most intriguing sections of the stats is the list of search engine terms that bring people to my blog. I’ve expressed surprise in the past at the number of people finding me through searches including the word ‘anal’, (my favourite is ‘anal mystery’), but at least that’s sort of expected, it’s what the internet is for after all, but some of the phrases are just downright baffling.
So today, in a bid to raise a smirk, and to please Mr Shev with my numbering, I have put together a list of five of my favourites:
1 – ‘housework tips’ – would you believe this is in the top ten search terms of all time? Oh the irony…
2 – ‘smear test can’t find cervix’ – I did wonder when I wrote about being having a nurse elbow deep in my bits, whether I might be crossing some kind of line, but apparently not. Several people have told me it’s one of their favourite posts, and the search engine stats just go to show how many other woman are worried about an elusive cervix.
3 – ‘fat women sex’ – including other variations such as ‘fat mummy sex’, ‘wobbly bits’ and ‘fat birds having sex’ – Really?? And you get to me?? That’s never going to be good for your self-esteem is it? *sobs and looks sadly at wobbly tummy* I prefer the ones like ‘women you inspire you’ and ‘sexy mummy’, but for some reason they don’t rank so highly.
4 – pig crush – yes, that is Pig. Crush. As in having a crush. On a pig. Honestly, who googles these things?
5 – ‘dating free love friends marriage single mans sies 2010’ – What? What? What does this even mean? I rest my case.
If you have found my blog through a search engine, please make yourself known, and tell us what obscure phrase brought you here. Unless it was ‘anal mummy pig crush’, in which case it’s probably best you just keep quiet.