I’ve been thinking for a while now about donating some eggs. I don’t mean as a weird raffle prize or anything, I’m talking my actual eggs. Part of me. From my ovaries. You get the picture.
I’ve never had any trouble getting pregnant, even at times when I didn’t really mean to. First time round, at 16, it obviously wasn’t planned. The second time, it was a conscious choice, but I remember it more as a ‘yeah, having a baby might be quite nice to do at some point, let’s see what happens…’ sort of decision. A bit like considering a weekend at Centre Parcs. A few weeks off the pill though and bam. Baby on board.
Because motherhood has come so easily (and unexpectedly), I’ve never felt overwhelmed by any particular maternal urges. I’ve never really wanted babies. Sure, I love them and all that, and I’m not completely adverse to the idea of more at some point, but I have never longed for them. I have never looked at other pregnant women and envied them. I have never waited expectantly all month, willing my period not to arrive. I have never held a baby and felt my heart break because I don’t have one of my own. I imagine though that all those things would really suck after a while.
As well as apparently being ridiculously fertile, I do think I make really good babies. I know, everyone would say that about their own kids, but they are pretty. They’re nice too. And clever. And funny. What’s not to love?
So for a few years now I’ve been thinking about how lucky I am to have children, to have never even had to try, and how awful it must be not to be able to just think ‘Oh go on then..’ and pop out a baby. Being fairly generous by nature, I feel I should share.
The whole process of donating eggs is similar to going through IVF treatment – you get lots of hormones to stimulate egg production, then the eggs get ‘retrieved’. Obviously I won’t think too much for now about what ‘retrieval’ might involve, especially with my elusive cervix. Of course it isn’t ideal to pump yourself full of hormones, but it’s only temporary, and surely it’s nothing really compared to how it must feel to know you can’t have children of your own?
Bee isn’t keen. She doesn’t like the idea of technically having half-siblings roaming the country without her knowing about them. I think she’s worried she’ll accidentally marry one of them or something. I can understand her concerns of course, especially at the age she is. Being a teenager is very much about establishing your identity, and part of that I suppose is thinking about where you come from, and your place in a family.
Personally, I’m confident that I wouldn’t think of any potential baby as ‘my child’. Yes, it would have half my DNA, but what really does that mean? Aside from perhaps giving it a tendency towards overeating and arranging things in colour order, that baby would be a product of its upbringing, the values and attitudes instilled in it by its parents, a mish-mash of experiences, lessons learnt, and relationships with the people it grows up with. It wouldn’t be me.
What do you think? Am I crazy to consider it, or could it be a fantastic gift to give? Can nurture really overcome nature, or would that child always be ‘mine’?
I’ve actually been thinking the same kind of thing for a while, I just worry that perhaps my genetic material wouldn’t be “good” enough :(
Ahhh! Don’t think that! I’m sure your genetic material would be awesome :-)
I have thought about it too. I too am fertile myrtle and don’t want anymore kids myself…why can’t someone else have them. I just don’t know if it came down to taking my eggs how I would feel then. It’s easy to talk about. I have friends who have used donor eggs and they are very lucky because now they have children that they never would have had. I kind of think the good outweighs the bad- it’s not like you actually birthed a child- your eggs might never get used, or might never fertilize and you would NEVER know!
I have also thought about it because the less eggs I have, the sooner I would go through menopause and NO MORE PERIODS!!! (and don’t they pay well too?)
They don’t pay at all actually. I think they cover expenses, but that’s it.
I’m not sure the earlier menopause would be a plus for me to be honest – doesn’t early menopause age you prematurely and stuff like that? I actually quite like my periods… *weird*
I think you need to look into it a bit more before deciding. Things like, what will the short and long term effects of the hormone treatment be; what, if any, responsibilities might you have towards that child in later life (for example if somthing happened to its “parents” and you were THE only living realtive.) There are a lot of court cases coming up these days that are due to totally unforeseen events.
How would you feel if this child came looking for you when s/he was about 18? etc. etc.
Also, think about the feelings your daughter might be having. Perhaps she’s worried that she might feel responsible for those half siblings out there. I don’t think you should brush her feelings off as teenage worries. It could affect her for a long time.
Of course, I would never brush off her feelings – I hope it didn’t sound like that – I just meant that I understood them in the context of her age. I would never do it at all unless Bee was completely happy with it.
It’s an interesting point about what would happen if something happened to the parents, and whether I would actually be considered a ‘relative’ at all. Definitely lots to think about…
Just because you share DNA with a child doesn’t mean you will feel a desperate need to be with them. We share 1/4 of our DNA with nieces and nephews, yet we don’t feel that maternal pull. I imagine being a surrogate would be a lot more complicated emotionally than egg donation.
I wanted to do this a couple of years ago and got all the information from a clinic in London. Everyone I spoke to at the clinic was very nice and any questions I had didn’t seem silly at all to them – even though I’m sure some of my little hangups were a little off the wall! I didn’t go through with it in the end because I was teaching at the time and just couldn’t foresee being able to commit to the timings. I would have needed to get up to London at specific times (obviously according to cycle etc) and just couldn’t commit to it.
I completely agree that it is a wonderful thing to be able to do for someone else. Maybe one day I will be able to give the time needed.
I think that if you feel you could really do it, it would be an amazing gift for somebody. Selfless. But i would think it through carefully first, and be sure that you really see it only as the offer of a few anonymous genes.
I think it’s amazingly selfless. Definitely something you need to think very seriously about, probably take some advice from a doctor about the physical aspects of it and, if you can, speak to someone who’s done it about the mental aspects.
I was talking to a woman at the Baby Show actually who has done it four times, and said she has always felt really positive about it. A couple of times she has done it anonymously, a couple of times her and the parents have shared more information about each other. It would be a really good idea though to hear from more people who’ve done it.
I think it would be an amazing thing to do, just think of the people you could help.
If I’m completly honest the thought of not being able to have children terrifies me, I want them desperatly (not right now mind you) but somewhere in the back of my mind I’ve got this nagging feeling that something could be wrong, really not sure what it is but its one of those gut feelings you know?
Problem is no Dr’s will take me seriously if i go to them and say, I’m worried i wont be abel to have kids, until i start trying (I’ve even thoguht about having fertility tests done through private health care but theres no way i can come up with the money)
The fact that your even considering this is amazing, because of woman that do donate eggs other women get the chance to be a mummy, I couldnt think of a better gift to give someone xxxxx
We could freeze you some of mine! It could be some kind of amazing blog-egg-sharing project!
Seriously though, it must be really tricky, as you just don’t know until you try do you? Is there any particular reason that you think you might not be able to have children? If it is really worrying you, it might be an idea to talk to a GP about it. There might not be anything they can do, but you never know until you ask…
This is a very personal thing & although I feel deeply sorry for people who are desperate to have children & can’t, I feel more sorry for the child that is born from a donated egg/sperm simply because I think every human being has the right to information about it’s natural parents.
Having said that, if I was unable to have children myself, my opinions may be different. So as the saying goes, it’s difficult to completely understand unless one is in that situation.
I think they have changed the law in the last few years, so that the children are able to find out about the donors when they get to 18. I think you’d want to do it knowing that the parents were going to be open and honest about things wouldn’t you? I’m sure that’s encouraged.
I think it was a wonderful thing to do to gave opportunity to those who can’t rear a child..
Yeah it’s a brilliant idea – do it now – because I don’t think they take em if the woman’s over 35 – can’t remember how old you are about 31 or summat?
I’m going to be 33 in April. Don’t tell anyone…
i don’t know. i respect all opinions, but do find it difficult when people make judgements from a priviledged position, in this case the position of being able to have children.
M2M
I think it’s a fantastic thing to do! I dont have tubes, so the only way for me to get pregnant was through ivf, so I had to face a moment of “waw what if I can’t have children?” and now I really appreciate all women that donate eggs or are surrogate mothers, because it’s so amazing to be able to give someone a chance to become parents.
As for egg extraction- i went through that and I also have an elusive cervix… Basically it hurts more because cervix sits higher and sometimes out of the numbing range where they give you a shot for pain. But the precedure lasts a few minutes so it’s really not bad! I found the hormone shots annoying, they made me feel ‘blaah’ some days, where I’m naturally very energetic.
Seems like no one wants to mention the issue of good money that is paid for the procedure, where I feel that it’s one of these rare examples when you can do something miraculous for someone else AND get paid.
Good luck with your decision!
My sister is looking for an egg donor, she have this option years ago, she even wants to travel abroad just to have the said treatment. One of her option is in India, One of my friend told me that there are egg donors in India which we can have for a low price.