So, here I am.

I have been officially single for roughly 25 days now and it’s starting to feel like it might all be OK after all.

The brain is a funny thing isn’t it? A few weeks ago, lying on my sister’s spare bed, sobbing into a snotty sleeve, I genuinely couldn’t imagine a time when I would ever feel excited or happy or even vaguely content ever again, about anything, ever. I’m generally a very positive person, and so any sort of intense emotion tends to catch me off guard and I panic – I literally did not know what to do with the sadness.

Smile

Me looking positive to prove it

And by panic I do actually mean panic.

It was only a couple of weeks ago that I woke up in a hotel in Manchester, (knowingly, not because of some weird anxiety induced adventure), and could barely catch my breath, let alone imagine how I would be able to give a keynote speech at a conference that morning.* I made myself get out of bed and into the shower, but couldn’t seem to stop the tightness in my chest or the tears escaping. It felt so all encompassing that it was almost impossible to be anything other than totally consumed in the moment, unable to imagine any time other than right then, in my head. Now I appreciate that a lot of people live with far more serious anxiety and depression every single day but for me, who really doesn’t, it was terrifying to feel so out of control of my own emotions.

Managing to get dressed, one item carefully at a time, but unable even to eat breakfast, (usually my best bit in a hotel so a clear sign that something was up), I started to panic about the future – if I couldn’t stop crying to eat some toast how would I ever be able to hold down a job? Would I have to just stay in bed forever? Who would look after Belle?

I was in a bit of a sorry state.

I carried on though, slowly, just thinking about one little thing at a time and lo and behold, no letters of resignation were required. For the last few days I have woken up and felt briefly fed up, but only because it is 6.40am and I would rather be asleep. I have stopped scrutinising my feelings every minute of the day, picking at every negative thought just in case it means something.

In some ways I feel guilty, like I should have felt much worse for much longer, but then who’s to say that I won’t feel bad again? Right now though, things feel OK. I’m not about to start shaving my legs or anything crazy – I shan’t be signing up to Match.com any time soon – but things feel OK.

It seems I really am a positive person – apparently I can’t help but bounce back.

*Apologies to anyone at Blog On if I seemed a little distracted or blotchy of face during the day. 

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I have come to realise during the events of the last few weeks that it’s very rare that I feel sad. Annoyed, bored, tired, angry, frustrated, anxious, all those things yes, but pure, chest-achingly hollow sadness, not so much.

Sadness is a funny emotion. Often we try to play it down, attaching it to the word ‘just’ – ‘I just feel a bit sad, it’s nothing really’ – and yet sadness is a very powerful thing. It confuses us because it makes you feel so empty, like your insides are missing and your body is trying to collapse down onto itself, leaving you unable to breathe. It takes you outside your body and shows you yourself, going about your daily life, seemingly devoid of emotion.

Sad squirrel

It’s sneaky too. You’re busy, surrounded by people, feeling pretty much OK, and then for no apparent reason, whoosh, there it is, filling you like a swirling gas and vacuum packing your chest cavity. The pressure builds and you realise your face is wet before you even knew you were going to cry – no dramatic sobs, just tears sort of spilling silently out of your eyes.

The fact that sadness is so often associated with a physical loss confounds the issue and adds to that feeling of having a void to fill. I filled mine alone one night over the weekend by watching Hannibal. I hate horror films or anything gruesome, but was hoping that scaring myself might help to fill the space, that fear might overpower sadness and take over my head.

It didn’t really work. I closed my eyes at the really horrible bits and fear never stood a chance.

Perhaps the only thing to do with the sadness is to just acknowledge it and let it be, stare it out calmly until it gives up and goes away.

I’m staring hard. It had better blink soon.

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When I started my blog in 2009 I was genuinely a slummy single mummy, evenings spent at home alone watching Sex and the City, avoiding the dishes wherever possible. Not long after though, I met someone.

That someone became Boyfriend.

“Are you going to change your blog name now?” he asked me at one point, a few months into our relationship.

“No,” I said. “That’s the brand. Sshh.”

I’ve never blogged much about Boyfriend, preferring to keep him secret and special, so much of my life revealed online, but he very quickly became a hugely important part of me and we have been living together for nearly three years.

Today Boyfriend moved out.

We decided that we wanted different things. Clichéd but true? I don’t even know any more. We talked about it so much that I can’t remember whether I was really ever unhappy or whether we’re simply the victims of society making us believe that the only relationship worth having is one in which both parties feel blissfully happy and satisfied at all times. Heaven forbid there be work involved.

What I do know is that I feel gutted – literally empty. I’m in that weird limbo between not wanting to talk about it but at the same time being able to think of nothing else and wanting to tell everyone I see. How can they not tell just from passing me in the street that my heart is broken? How can it be that the world carries on as normal? I mainly say nothing, sometimes doing a brave little smile or sighing loudly.

Unfortunately neither the smiles or the sighs translate well into blog posts or pithy social media updates, so I may be a little quiet for a while.* Sorry about that. I hope that normal service will be resumed soon, in all senses.

*Apart obviously from all the sponsored posts I have scheduled. I need to earn a living after all to pay for all the gin and ice cream I will need to temporarily fill the void.

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