There is something that has been bothering me. I noticed it first on a TV ad, and then again at the weekend in a flier that fell out of a magazine.
It’s bath fillers.
‘What the hell is a bath filler?’ I hear you cry, your forehead crinkling in confusion, and you may well ask. In my mind a bath filler is a young man draped in robes, with a crown made of leaves, who fills your bath for you with fresh goat’s milk while you lounge back, sipping champagne and eating peeled grapes, handed to you by a young maiden. It sounds so decadent, what else could it be?
It’s a tap.
An actual tap.
I did wonder for a little while if a bath filler* might be something quite different, that it might have some distinguishing feature that sets it apart from an ordinary bathroom tap, but apparently not. I have been doing some research this morning, trying to give the bathroom industry the benefit of the doubt, but then I found this:
There are a few things I would like to draw your attention to with this bath filler**. Firstly, this is no ordinary bath filler*** – this is a ‘Deck Mounted Bath Filler’. The rule here seems to be that the closer the bath filler resembles an ordinary tap, the longer and more ridiculous its name has to be.
Then we have the price. I have never bought a tap before, but £143? For a tap? (I am showing my naivety here – I bet this is cheap for a bath filler.)
Finally, and possibly my favourite part of the whole thing, is the ‘Quick Overview’. What might you expect to read in the summary of a bath filler? Perhaps you want to know what it’s made of? How big it is maybe?
Don’t be silly.
The important thing to know here is that with this bath filler you can ‘lie back and soak up the atmosphere of days gone by’.
Um, excuse me? Is this just because it has Regency in the name? Are you seriously going to lie in the bath, gaze at your ‘Regency Deck Mounted Bath Filler’ (I can’t even begin to describe how painful all of those capital letters are), and imagine yourself revelling in excess amongst the aristocracy? I highly doubt it.
More likely you will be lying there thinking ‘I can’t believe I paid that much for a tap.’
**Seriously, it’s a tap.
***TAP DAMN IT! (You get the point.)